Maybe finally going no-contact?
Sorry in advance for the long post but I need to get this off my chest as I consider going from low contact to no contact with my parents.
I was SA'd by my father for many years as a child. I pretended everything was all fine and dandy so that I wouldnt ruin my Nmom, grandparents', and brother's lives. About 10 years ago my mom got a butt dial from my dad at a presumed strip club which she was livid about and was considering divorce. I used that opportunity to tell my mom about what happened to me so that she could use the strip club as a valid cover up reason for divorce (so she wouldnt have to tell people the true reason).
After a month of being on the fence, she ultimately decided to stay with him and they still live together. During that month she said to me "why did you tell me and choose to ruin my life" which to this day she denies having said. My mom pretends like nothing bad happened and over the years has given me grief about not coming home to visit (I visit once a year) or celebrating mothers/father's day and birthdays. A couple years ago I told her if she wanted to maintain any sort of relationship with me she needs to stop asking me when I'm coming to visit or attempting to guilt trip me. She has somewhat respected that but drops hints every now and then. She will talk about her friends' children and the drama between them and their parents and how people need to forgive their family members and move past issues.
She has been a narcissist and unsupportive even prior to telling her about my SA. She didnt speak to me for months when I decided not to become a physician, she asked my why I didnt give one of my long term male friends a chance at dating again when I told her I was engaged to my now husband, she got upset with me telling her I was engaged via phone call instead of in person, she sent me a text saying "Congratulations, I guess" on my wedding day, and the list goes on and on. My father has actually been more respectful than my mom and never initiates contact with me and maintains his distance when I do go home to visit.
I recently had a first pregnancy which ended up in miscarriage and didnt even tell her about it as I knew it would just make my life more difficult. Even though it didnt work out, being pregnant solidified that I will NEVER allow my dad to hold my kid and they would never be allowed to have sleepovers at grandma's house. I dont want my mom in the hospital when I deliver and I dont want her helping out post-partum. I think I'm at the point where I need to go from low contact to no contact as I dont need the extra mental stress of tiptoeing around this issue if I become pregnant again. My grandparents have since passed and my brother is an adult now and in a stable place so I feel he could potentially handle the news without crumbling.
It's terrible because I almost feel a bit bad about going NC since I otherwise was provided for, received a great education, was afforded the experience of travel since a young age, and despite everything became a well-adjusted adult with a good career and life. But that doesnt make up for the fact that my mom chose him over me in the end over a serious issue.
I know Im justified in going no contact and my husband is supportive of whatever I choose to do (but also thinks I should go no-contact). Maybe I just need some random internet strangers to hear my story and give me validation?