“To infinity and beyond”.
I don’t know where to begin. But there has been a lot on my mind that I wish I could say to you. But as I write my thoughts and feelings, I strongly believe you never will see this. So here it goes, for the whole world to see.
Have you ever felt like you hate, despise or feel like you just can’t stand someone’s lies, but yet, feel so completely safe, cared for and loved by a person as soon as you see them? I bet I’m not the only one. Far from the only one.
You can’t stand them, every thought of them brings anger, disappointment even anxiety for what they have done to you. You wish that the bed they lie on, will forever be warm. You wish that whenever they stamp on some mud by accident, that it’s mixed with dog poo so that smell sticks with them. You don’t wish them harm, but want them to stub their toe in every corner possible.
But you miss every moment you could get lost in their eyes as time flies by, or that when you laugh together, you laugh with so much joy you can’t stop until your stomach hurts.
You miss waking up every morning and going to bed by their side, smelling their cologne or their body sweat after some adultery moments right before bed.
Everything is (was) perfect.
Until it wasn’t no more.
Things started to turn sour, from one day to another, without any hint. You couldn’t see or understand why, but the interest they had in you were no longer there - because someone else took that place. You didn’t know then, but you found out eventually.
How dare they. How dare they say they will always be there for me, when in fact I was only someone that they could lean back to when their new flirt didn’t work out. How dare they say they love me and that I’m the only one, when they had the audacity to share pictures and poems that was that personal, that they said it was only I they shared that with.
How dare they.
How dare they make me believe such a thing - that I was the only one for them, when I wholeheartedly thought I found my soulmate.
I became more depressed. More anxious. More stressed and obsessive over them to what they were doing. To catch them in their lies.
Which I did. Multiple times. Far too many times that I can count.
But it was me who was the problem. I was too much. Too emotional. Too vindictive. Too much of a stalker that it creeped them out. And I begged, on my bare knees to be forgiven for my actions - all because I was worried - for being too cautious and having the fear of being hurt or left alone.
To be truthfully honest, I still don’t even know if I am or was the problem. I’ve been that “manipulated”, or someone that told me the harsh truth.
It later resulted in that they moved to my town. We lived almost 3h apart by car, or 5-6h with commute.
Life was getting better. They finally moved.. but, not together with me. Why? Wasn’t that the plan all along after 2-3 years together? What went wrong? What did I do? No, I was told that, it was better this way. For both of us. I was happy to help them move as well, I was fired up and ready to begin to help them move into their new apartment.
But they never wanted my help. They never declined my help nor told me on the day they moved, that I was not needed. I got left on read, and sent straight to voicemail a few times. I realized that I was not longer going to help them move. I was never part of it. Even if I was told I could help.
I still don’t get it and understand why.
Until I caught them in another lie.
And put the puzzle pieces together.
As they moved, they got a new job in a city nearby.
As they moved, they wanted to put things on pause because “we didn’t work together”.
As they moved, they drifted away more and more and said “I need time to figure things out on my own”.
We know what that translates to. Everyone does. But I yet tried to believe it and trust them with exactly that - they needed time.
We met once, to watch something together. They had to go to the bathroom but took their phone with them, in secret so that I didn’t see they did. Ironically, I could see they tried to hide it, but was unable to because there was a mirror that showed exactly what they intended to do - hide something.
Before they had to go to the bathroom, they showed me something on the phone that I don’t remember today. But I remember the Snapchat they received from someone with a car emoji.
After they came back, I politely asked if I could see the message or if they could tell me who it was.
They mentioned “oh it’s my colleague”.
Okay. Great. No one I need to be worried about.
But I was so wrong.
Fooled. Lied to once again.
We went out for a smoke, and I asked if I could see the phone again or the message. They let me do that and instead of going to Snapchat, I went to messages, deleted messages and saw a particular number with almost 10+ messages between them. I recovered the messages and before I could even open them, the phone was forcefully grabbed from my hands and got told “there is nothing there”. While they deleted the same message in front of me while saying “I’m not deleting anything”.
Right. In front. Of me.
That was the messages they didn’t want me to find or read. I got the truth out of them - eventually - as I said, I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore.
And I wish I was strong enough to leave it there.
But I couldn’t.
I still let them waltz back into my life over and over again. Multiple times. So many times I’ve honestly lost count.
This was just the beginning of the stress and bond I grew into that I fail to grasp that it’s not healthy for me.
I found my 13 reasons.
I deserve better.
But I am portrayed as the villain, the nasty, stalking, badmouthing, vindictive creepy person, that deserves nothing but my own misery and loneliness. I am no one. A no one that nobody wants. A no one with no name or a name forgotten in time.
This was 3 years ago.
And I still think about them to this day. Even if they are in a new relationship. But I want them to be happy. Preferably with me, but that will never happen. And I have difficulties letting that go, letting them go. Because how could I?
I told them I would love them forever and always, to infinity and beyond, until the end of time, until death do us apart.
I made them that promise. I want to keep that promise.
If I received a flower for every time I thought about them, I would walk in a garden forever.
But as life has turned more ugly for me, I don’t know where I need to go to find my lost self.
I feel like I have lost everything.
I am homeless and no job. Been living a few days on the streets, sometimes in shelter. But I have not told anyone that. Not even my own kids.
I have no parents alive. No siblings. No family to take me in or help.
I barely have friends, some help me financially, but I am ashamed of letting them know that I don’t know when I will be able to pay back.
And the friends that I have now, are the ones that are addicted to drugs and alcohol. The “bums” with yellow, crooked or loss of teeth. The “bums” who teaches me the way to make life easier on the streets.
Even if drugs and alcohol has been offered to me to silence my pain, I still say no.
I’m not ruining my 3 years of sobriety.
But this is what love can do to you. You sometimes lose yourself so much, that the numbness of the cold nights outside is considered comfort than your own black tiny cold frozen heart.
Even if you’re inside the shelter in a bed, it’s just an empty void.
And the story about the person whom I adore, love to hate, hate to love, despise, feel anger towards yet longing to be in their arms, is just a fraction of what my life has unfold.
To the ones reading my story, thank you.
To you, if you ever read this,
I still love you and miss you incredibly. I am and feel so disturbingly lost without you.
I wish you could see that I’ve also changed. Not for the worse - but for the better. My life has turned upside down, but I have not given up on life - I will not give up.
But when I’m out of here, or if I ever make it alive, I pray I have grown that much in myself, that I will be able to resist you.
My love for you, will always be “to infinity and beyond”.
I will bury that secret together with me, when the day comes that I’m put to rest.
// G.S