I don't pass.
I've been on T for 4 years, had top surgery for 5, and haven't passed once. I feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of this. I feel deeply ashamed leaving the house and even what used to be my safe space, my home, feels so heavy, like the walls are falling on me. I am selling all my belongings because I feel like the "clutter" makes it worse, even though I used to find so much joy in my things and it's all clean and organized. I can't write anymore, I can't read. I am so angry all the time, at myself, at everyone around me. I can't stand my loved ones gendering me correctly, it just reminds me of what I can't have. I don't feel like I really belong anywhere because everyone is moving on and I'm left behind. Only pre-T trans men seem to understand me till they move on too because they get a chance to and then they'll be a new person in the crowd telling me it will be okay, I just need to be patient. I feel so defeated and alone. I try to keep it bottled up because I can tell everyone is sick of hearing about it but it just spills out anyways. I want my old life back. I wasn't happy in my body but it was easier to play the role of a woman than to feel this heavy weight of shame for being openly trans and looking the exact same as before. Thank you for listening and I hope you are hearing me from a more hopeful place.