Really struggling with boyfriend who suddenly jumped onto and basically over the fence
My (30F) boyfriend (35M) of 2 years just told me that he thinks he's changing his mind, which feels like a nightmare.
I did everything 'right' and was upfront when we met that I had a bisalp and wouldn't be having kids. He was on board, he also didn't want kids. I checked in when he bought his house, when his grandma died, and when his sister had her first son, and at each of those he said he was still sure.
Lo and behold, the kid is 1 and now he thinks he wants one.
There's a lot to this, but even if the trust between us is shattered beyond repair, which it might be, I just can't help but also feel like this is a horrible decision.
He has an incredibly stressful job, he almost quit without a new job and has been searching for somewhere to leave to for almost a year without success, and the reason he wants to leave is still in play, it's gone for now but could be back any minute and it caused a mental breakdown. He works 5-6 days a week. He went on a huge fitness journey and now goes to the gym every single day, meal preps, and has to be on routine or he gets stressed out and starts to melt down. He loves quiet time and travel, he won't even get a dog or a cat because they would require too much change and giving up too much freedom (having to be home all the time, not being able to travel at a whim or be gone for 8+ hours at a time).
He decided to be childfree after his divorce, he was cheated on and didn't think he could trust again. We were FWB for years because of both of our trauma, before we ever started dating. We still struggle with fights becoming huge because we both have trauma and he has an avoidant attachment style to my anxious, but we've been improving.
Truthfully, as awful as it sounds, I cannot see him as a dad. I don't see him making the life changes, the sacrifices, and the decisions to do it and do it right. And even if he does manage to find someone in the next 6-12 months, he's looking at retiring before the kid even graduates. They'd be taking care of him by the time they're his current age - he has some health issues that will get worse over time.
He says he's 'mostly' made up his mind and just didn't tell me that he's been thinking about this for months because he knew that it meant we were over, there's not even a slight consideration that I would change my mind, which I do appreciate, but it feels crazy to throw away the lightning in a bottle we are over the possibility that he could have a legacy. It feels so inherently selfish and like a pipe dream.
To me, even if he found the perfect woman and was sure enough to commit to her within a year (not likely, he and I fell into this as best friends first with a TON of trust built up because neither of us wanted this), but even if he does that and they get pregnant right away, he'd be in his 40s when the kid is in elementary school. He'd have to find and fall for this person while working 5-6 days, 10+ hour days. They'd have to get pregnant right away. And he'd have to give up his quiet nights gaming and his gaming collection and his perfectly neat house and his gym every day and his weekend travel and hiking 2 week trips and intensive hobbies and weekly nights out with the boys and meal prep and and and.
I don't know if we can recover, I don't even know if this is about the relationship anymore. I'm heartbroken, my trust is shattered, and even if he retracts I don't know if I'd be able to trust it - he's the first person I've ever trusted and my best friend, but not telling me about this even though I asked and then dropping it on me like this as as done deal to me is separate.
I don't know what I'm looking for here with this rant, this is such a common story here, but it sucks that even when you ask up front and check in and make it clear, the societal expectation of legacy can steal it all from you. We're a near perfect pairing, and we're losing all of it over this Kodak dream and it's 100% out of my control.
I haven’t talked to my mom in a decade. This hurts almost as much as that did. He’s been part of my life for almost 5 years now, he’s my best friend he’s helped me heal so much and vice versa.