u/Four_7_Seven

At least out loud.

This is rant, not an educational post (expect lesson 'Don't be an ableist.').

The overwhelming majority of systems' representation is 'they're a (serial) killer'. It's actively harming systems and you're using people's suffering as your amusement. You see systems as this mysterious, mystical, interesting, kinda exotic, not entirely human being. You see them as a useful plot device, to use as you please, to add this mythologic being, to amuse yourself. It's so sickening.

People with DID/OSDD/P-DID and so on are real people with myriad experiences. Associating them with being a serial killer, an abuser is ableist and disgustful.

And you can't just spawn an alter, so Jane would need to do drugs or have a condition, physical or mental, to have 'second personality' (which isn't a second personality in reality, more like a hallucination, and people with hallucinations also aren't serial killers). But for you and other people it's the same, you know nothing and just stop being an asshole using people's suffering to please yourself.

For short films with good representation I recommend 'Petals of a Rose' and 'Alter' by Bugambilia Films (both on YouTube).

So in the begging of June I had ferritin 12.5, now it's probably around 32 (I checked ferritin month ago, one month ago first blood check, and it was 22). Then, in June, I was in fact quite well, just after an episode of too much movement I spent a few days in bed, then it returned to pretty much normal.

And I know that I'm still iron deficient and it takes time for body to heal. I'm still taking iron pills. But still I'm worried that it isn't the only deficiency. There is really no improvement, just regression.

The most not nice thing for me is how much slower my brain is. It isn't too bad, but as before I had better memory and I understood everything faster that most of the people, it's hard. I had hard time writing fanfics, sometimes I am not able to do so at all. Their quality dropped, there is less thought put in them, they're more shallow. I can't really learn anything that requires more than Google search and some reading, so no math, no languages, no hard things. Reading fanfics also became harder, especially those longer ones. Currently, I'm reading mostly shorter one-shots.

Besides, I'm very tired and weak. I spent most time in my bed, laying down. Sitting takes a lot of energy. Sometimes I feel like my limbs are weaker than they should be. My appetite isn't too good, partially because of deficiency (or at least not my fault), partially due to my eating disorder (I just had a two week episode, when I ate too little, it happens a few times a year).

And I just feel like there is more than iron deficiency. I also take vitamin d3 and supplements with a whole range of vitamins (although the last one I stopped a week ago so when I finally manage to get vitamin B12 checked it won't be elevated.)

So yeah, is there chance that it's something beyond iron? My mother keeps telling me that I probably have depression, but I don't feel like those things are just depression or iron deficiency. Am just paranoid or it can be truly something more?

I've always had low energy, my whole teenager years I've spend in front of computer, if I wasn't in school. Hard to call that a life, it was more of vegetation than living. It was more depression than anything else. Then I've got proper medication for it and my life wasn't so lethargic anymore. Still low energy, but at least I had more of it and wasn't so suicidal as I was before.

Fast forward few years, I'm here, laying on the bed. In past two months I had three flare-ups, when I was almost entirely in bed for a few days, except for short periods for eating and toilet. From the last one I really didn't get better. My body is still heavy, in different way, but still, it's tired. I don't have much hope, like I feel it'll be forever. My ferritin level went from 12,5 in 22,1 in five weeks, but I don't feel any better, in fact it has worsen. I don't know my vitamin d3 or b12 levels, but I started taking supplements today. Hopefully they'll soon kick in.

Nevertheless, I still feel very hopeless. My brain is fussy, fogged and just not working properly. I am (or was) writing a fanfic, which is/was my coping mechanism that I don't have anymore. Just brain doesn't work in way that allows for writing one.

I don't know if in that state I'll be able to study and soon I'll need to decide what I want to study. I'm choosing between something that is interesting for me and is a little bit challenging and something that is not so interesting, but much easier. In that state even second one seems like too much of work.

I feel like I'm an old woman, like the death is near and my peak years was preteen ones, like my life already is finished, but my body isn't ready for death yet.

I'm just scared of future. I even can't sit anymore, like I was doing it in my teenage years, just laying down and hoping for I don't know what, but I'm not a teenager anymore, my parents won't support me forever.