u/Fragile_Blue392

My SDIT is freshly 7 months old. I did so much research into breeders when finding a dog. The breeder made me plenty aware that while labs were smart and people pleasers, that it takes a lot of consistency and repetition to get that picture perfect lab. My fiance and I have definitely been put through it, to no fault of the dog. Some really shitty timing meant that I ended up declining in health and going on medical leave the week after we brought her home (started LOA in February- present) so we have been precariously juggling her training and my health. I won’t lie, there were many nights that we wanted to give up on her becoming a service dog because the balance was too hard. But tonight was a huge reminder of exactly how worth it all the energy and pain is.

We live in central Florida so hearing fireworks off in the distance is pretty normal. I wouldn’t say we were worried about 4th of July fireworks, more cautious. We had done a lot of work on fireworks because when you live in the theme park bubble it’s kinda just part of life even if you don’t go to the theme parks. We also had the knowledge that my girl could experience the house being struck by lightning and absolutely not care since that happened a week prior. Still we had prepared. A topple with gentle ingredients, chews, her favorite toy, and the treat of all treat (cheese). And just as we thought, she didn’t care. She even asked to go outside on our balcony and almost fell asleep while watching them. I say it all the time, I am so amazed at what this dog can handle even though I know we did put in the training and the work to find a good breeder for that exact result. It’s days like that where I can’t help but be excited about the journey we are on together.

This feels like such a stupid question since sewing is my entire profession 🙈 but how do I figure out what panel size my dog needs? This is my first service dog and she has only ever had one vest where I just had to provide the girth. Thank you!

I need to let some feelings and thoughts out in a community that understands. Mentions of Suicidal Ideation

For some background context, I was diagnosed with asthma, ADHD, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, PMOS (then PCOS), and Hashimoto’s, all before the age of 12. Then Anxiety, Depression, chronic migraines, and IBS by the end of high school. In my adult life (currently 27) I have been diagnosed with POTS, C-PTSD, and am currently undergoing tests for a few other potential diagnosis. A large part of my life I was also not given proper treatment by my parents or care team.

Like nearly everyone in this community I have gone through all the struggles that are just our daily life. Constantly educating, advocating, and being vigilant. I’ve had previous care teams blow off symptoms and had a condition go undiagnosed for 9 years. Currently my team is looking into a potential undiagnosed or misdiagnosed condition from birth. It is what it is 🤷. It’s annoying and unbelievably frustrating but it’s nothing new or unheard of for chronically ill people.

In the end of 2024 I really started paying attention to my body’s needs and getting back on track with my care plan. That involved reestablishing myself with a care team as I had recently moved states. It’s been a very very long and hard process. I also put a ton of work in to accepting certain truths about myself. Mostly that I needed to learn to accept help from people, and that it was time to start letting myself use the tools available to me like mobility aids and looking into a service dog. A lot of internalized hatred was worked through and I’m still working through it.

In January of this year I hit my limit. I had finally pushed through too much and my brain and body were breaking. In short, this has resulted in me being on leave from working a job I actually adore. Everyone I have talked to has suggested I look into alternative solutions like in home care or disability. At least until I start to feel like I can handle a less demanding job. And I agree with them. My body is currently not in a place where I can handle work and I owe it to myself and those I love to take the time to take care of my body. In paying attention to my needs and letting my fiancé see the full picture I also had to come clean about my ideation. I have been passively suicidal since I was in first grade. It has always been at the level where I was just okay with dying. I wasn’t actively hoping or seeking an end, just if it happened then it happened. Once I went on leave and was being honest it quickly progressed to a point where I knew how I’d do it but didn’t have a real plan. Precautions were taken and I’m not in danger. Just very aware of both the physical and mental pain I experience 24/7/365. As ashamed as I am of it, part of healing is admitting what makes you uncomfortable. I spend most nights crying and begging my partner to let me die. I am so exhausted and I’m tired of being in pain and I’m tired of having to be the one that advocates and knows more about my conditions than my doctors. Im mostly tired of the constant obstacles that come up every time I think I’ve found a way to make me feel better. This time it is my service dog and trying to get on disability. My service dog is still in training. We are doing a combination of owner training and working with a trainer. Basically I teach her what I can and the trainer helps us in the tricky spots. Due to a very sharp and very sudden decline in health I now have to lean more on the trainer for help. That was money we weren’t accounting for but we have made it work for now. With disability, I have a very strong case, there’s just one major snag. As far as I understand I need 3 consecutive years of work in order to prove I cannot work. I don’t have 3 consecutive years. I’ve never been able to work a job that long. I still could have an exception made for me so we are still going to try but it will be harder to prove. And if I can’t then I have to go back to work and reverse all the progress I’ve made. That is a grief I haven’t even touched.

The only thing keeping me going at this point is a therapist of mine from and IOP put it this way, “people get paid to take care of others like you. You are doing that for yourself on top of a physically and mentally demanding job. You are effectively working two jobs, no wonder you’re exhausted. “

There is so much more that goes into how I feel but I don’t need to keep playing a broken record to you all.
Thank you for letting me vent ❤️