Need to vent/advice
I never imagined posting on Reddit, but I’m truly exhausted and just need a place to vent. I don’t know a lot of people my age who have stepparents, and the ones who do have very different relationships to theirs than I do. So I’m here and hoping for some insight/just feeling like I have people who understand what I’m going through. This will probably be a long post, sorry in advance.
I’m 20F and have been low/no contact with my dad and step-mom for about a year now. This year has been hell and I’m reaching the point where I want to throw in the towel and go full no contact. My parents split when I was 8 and had 50/50 custody. A few years later, they both ended up getting re-married. This is when my stepmom’s personality showed itself. She is a bit abrasive and can be very critical, all in the name of “love and encouragement”. I would receive at least a 30 minute lecture almost every time I was home about various things (grades, screen time, etc.). I never loved this but was kind of okay with it because it never felt like a personal attack. What really started to get to me was when she would tell me that I wasn’t pouring enough energy into my relationship with her. I have been called manipulative, avoidant, and too closed off because I did not want to open up to a woman I had known for all of 3 years. At different points, I was being told that if I couldn’t be vulnerable with them, I’d never have healthy friendships or even a healthy marriage. I was told that I was too lead by my emotions and that any anxiety I felt when talking to them was a lie and I needed to take the thought captive. I moved to a different state when I turned 18 and have been in the same place since. I rarely visit home because I still get a lecture every time I’m home. My last straw with it all was when I drove back to my home town to take a final (I was an online college student). I didn’t tell my parents I’d be coming because I was literally only in for the test. When I crossed state lines, I got a phone call from my stepmom (who got a notification on Life360 that I was in my home state) who proceeded to shame me for saying nothing, and tell me she was concerned for me and my relationships, and asked how I would feel if a friend did that to me. At that point, I wrote a letter and shared all of the things I had been feeling (I had tried say these things sooner but was essentially told to get over it) and sent it after the phone call. I expressed that I had been struggling with very low self-esteem and that many of the things I was speaking over myself were things they had said to and about me over the years. I was then shamed for accusing them of that and not being able to just get over it. They said that they were never critical, but that was just the lens I had chosen to look at it through. Being the naïve people pleaser that I am, I ended up apologizing for saying anything and promised that I would reach out more. But every time I think of picking up the phone to call or text them, I nearly have a panic attack, so I kept avoiding. Then about every 3 months, we somehow manage to reconnect and I get shamed for still feeling hurt and not reaching out. I recently got a text from my dad that basically said that unless I have a relationship with his wife, I cant have a relationship with him. I adore my dad, so this is heartbreaking, but I’m genuinely fed up and don’t think I can do it anymore. I’ve been in therapy through all of it and its been super helpful.
If you read the whole post, we’re best friends now. I mostly just needed to vent, but of anyone has advice I would appreciate it.