u/Fragrant_Tale_7995

my boyfriend of 3 years left me a week ago. im 17 and hes 18. its not so simple, we're young, but i want people to understand what happened, so i have a lot to say. thanks to anyone who stays and reads, i guess.

we were together for almost 3 years. hes in the school year above me, and he goes to a boys school thats next to my school, a girls school. we both live about an hour away from the school and commuted to school together every morning, we are a few stops apart on the train.
before we started dating we were really good friends for nearly a year before we finally mustered up the courage to ask eachother out. neither of us are really outgoing or open up to many people or have a lot of friends, so we were perfect for each other. we were essentially eachothers best friend as well as partner.

things were really good for a year or two, we had our small arguments but we always apologised and forgave each other. but a year ago something about the way i did things changed. i feel like i had a sort of mental issue, im not really sure, and i still dont know what was wrong with me. but i was way too clingy, demanded too much of him. kept asking him to change for me, always complained about the small things. he never once complained about me, always tolerated me, always comforted me, was so patient with me. when i think back on it now i dont know how i ever deserved someone like him and why he stayed with me for so long.

he had a tendency to fall asleep during the day, and i got so so angry at him for it. he also slept in a lot on weekends and during holidays, and that was another reason for me to go off on him. it hurt both of us, but now that i think back, why was it so big of a deal?? why did i care when he woke up, when he slept?? i feel so horrible. i also demanded him to text me a lot, and called him nonstop if he didnt reply in like half an hour and accuse him of being asleep. seriously, what was my problem? i feel like an absolute Ahole when i think back on it, but i always thought of myself being the one who was hurt by his actions, not the other way around.

after i started doing those things, he kept trying to ask me for a break, for some separation, especially as he entered his last year of school. i got so angry, told him it was insane for him to think that way when ive done so much for him already. yet now that i think back, what the hell did i ever do for him except cause him trouble?? yet he still stayed with me, still loved me. and it was not like he a had a choice. a few months ago, he blocked me because he really needed space away from me. i showed up at his house and convinced him to talk to me again.

he finally had enough of me when i hit him and broke down on him in a public place. i was angry because i had a music rehearsal in the morning and he didnt manage to wake up on time to come with me even though he promised he would the night before.
said in front of everyone he doesnt respect me, started crying, throwing a huge tantrum. i know. i hate myself too, i really do. he tried to calm me down, put his arm around me, and told me we're going home.

i noticed he was crying but thought nothing of it. he brought me home. i asked him if id see him on the weekend because he usually comes over every sunday to study with me at my house. he said yes.

when i was home, he sent me over text we were breaking up. he never wanted to talk to me again. if i went to his house hed call the police on me. blocked me absolutely everywhere, even Spotify. my first thought was i wanted to die. i felt like i lost everything. we had so many plans together, i couldn't wait to move in with him, despite our bad moments we still loved each other so much and constantly talked about a future together. we were still each others best friends, despite everything. but now hes gone, and i felt like my lifes purpose was gone.

i told my parents, they told me to give it time. we were such good friends, the pain will go away.
it was absolute hell the first few days. i couldnt bring myself to eat for 4 days. couldnt do anything. everything reminded me of him. i used to tell him everything i did. my dad said it would take time to adjust to being independent. im trying, i really am.

but i feel like an absolute sht head. i was so horrible to him especially in the last year. i know i should've asked for help sooner. he tried to ask me to get therapy or anything for my attachment issues, but i knew my parents would never take that seriously. up til a week ago, my parents thought we were a super happy couple with nothing wrong with us.

i want him to talk to me again. im not even sad we broke up, im sad hes no longer my friend. i lost someone so close to me and its all my fault. i want my friend back, i want someone to laugh with, someone to share the small things with, someone to tell and confide everything to. despite everything, he was my bestest most wonderful friend, we understood each other on a level no one did before.

i want to be independent, i want to be my own person for him. but i want to be his friend again. i know it's only been a week, but it feels like the worst week of my life. to all the adults here my problems must be nothing to you. but it really feels like a good chunk of happiness in my life just disappeared. i don't know what to do without my best friend.

i also know him well enough to hope that hed never end things like this. we never got a proper goodbye. i never apologised for the sht i put him through. we had so much we wanted to do together. we had tickets to see a show together this holiday, but i guess ill be giving that to my parents. i was going to attend his graduation next week. we had so many plans for after he graduated. i dont know what to do now. ive been crying crying nonstop for a week.

i guess all i want is for someone to say they understand, if anyone has been in this position, do things get better. maybe a hope that after his final exams he will decide to speak to me again. i guess going to his house and apologising to him is NOT something i should do, even though I've considered it many times. i really want him to be my friend again. does time really heal all wounds? i miss him so much. so much has happened this week that i cant tell him.

thanks to anyone who read all this. i really needed to get it out. and please i dont want anyone saying this is what i deserve and stuff, because it is. i know. ive been hating myelf because i let it come to this. why couldnt i have asked for help earlier. i really dont know.
i know we're still so young and our whole lives are ahead of us. i know people will say that, but its a really hard concept for me to grasp right now. all i want is him.