How to Impregnate a B!tch for Dummies
Like Sir Lancelot once said: “Get me two men and I’ll impregnate the b!tch,” then allegedly proceeded to vividly explain why he needed the two men. In short: one to hold her, one to diddle her. Today, we apply that principle to us and try to understand what Bayern is lacking.
And that is more than anything, or any other position, what we need is a DM to hold the line and a LW for the creative edge and a diddler to diddle on the left side.
Now, I know that sounds unhinged and borderline creepy. Even more so because the word “diddle” in this context is cringe inducing, but I figured it was better than saying “penetrate.” Nevertheless, low-key accurate for addressing the problems we’re having.
And before we proceed further, if you felt uncomfortable or offended by the opening, I’m here to tell you: I don’t care. In fact, it’s only going to get more obnoxious and offensive from here, so leave your cute 🥰 comments that make you feel big and special and fuckoff. But hey, have yourself a scrumdiddlyumptious day.
That said…
When it comes to Bayern, there are a lot of things I hate, but the two biggest are:
One Losing and two Losing badly while playing badly.
I fμcking hate playing bad whether we win or lose, which brings me to the first player discussion.
Let’s be honest: no matter how much we love VK’s ball, out of possession it’s terrible. Add Kimmich and Pavlović to that system and you’ve got yourself a recipe for defensive disaster. Good on the attack, bad on defense. So the question becomes: how is VK going to fix this next year?
Do we need a tactical change? A different playstyle? Or do we simply need a better midfielder suited for the job? Because, let’s be real, Kimmich and Pavlović aren’t cutting it defensively. So do we need a destroyer type player? Not just a destroyer, but someone capable of carrying the ball, distributing it, progressing play basically a guy with unresolved childhood trauma who’s into breaking legs “legally” while also capable of playing like Ronaldinho.
We cannot play another season where the attack is “Alhamdulillah” but the defense is “Inshallah.” 🤷
But...But what we need are fullbacks! Nope. Wrong.
Our defensive problems run far deeper than just fullbacks. Besides, who are we realistically getting that’s elite quality anyway? Have you seen the market modern fullbacks are rarer
So back to the point. I guess what I’m looking for is a player who’s the secret love child of Claude Makelele and Ronaldinho, abandoned at birth, thrown into foster care, then raised by General Gattuso. Where every day he’s drilled to hate the world. Constantly reminded that if he survives this training, he will become a weapon. A minister of death. Praying for war. But until that day? He’s a puke. The lowest form of life on Earth. Not even a human fucking being. Just an unorganized, grabasstic piece of amphibian sh!t. Then, after developing enough PTSD, he finally catches a break and gets adopted by a modern day gay couple who look suspiciously like Xabi Alonso and Andrea Pirlo. They teach him to love himself and channel his anger properly. For every ankle he breaks, he must also deliver an elite forward pass.
I mean, how hard is it to find a player like that? The world is full of repressed assholes. Go figure.
FYI: don’t do drugs, kids. Otherwise you’ll end up sounding like me: absolutely precious. 🙂
Anyway, I hope we sign one of these players: Carlos Baleba, Sandro Tonali, Tchouameni, Elliot Anderson or Camavinga
One of them is the solution. Otherwise, it’s back to the drawing board. And if we do get a proper CDM to solve our counterattack, rest defense, and transition problems, then pair him with Pavlovic and drop Kimmich to RB.
Let’s be honest: he’s a better RB than both Konny and Stani, and like I already said it’s not like elite fullbacks are growing on trees these days. So capitalize on what you have.
I’m not saying I like Kimmich at RB, but it is what it is. Also, Pavlovic needs to step up physically. Do some pushups or something he needs more duel presence, more aggression something closer to what Goretzka offers physically.
And just like that, weirdly enough, we solve the RB problem through fixing the midfield.
Funny how things work: One minute you’re talking about CDMs, the next minute you’re solving the RB issue. Or in this case: One minute you think you’re reading football tactics, but in reality you’re learning how to talk to women.
That is: by doing cocaine. It’s all about confidence, baby.
And like Dave Van Ronk said:
"Your baby tells you you ain’t treating her right. Just take a snort of cocaine and turn out the light. Makes you feel like Superman for the first five minutes. After that? It’s her problem."
Naturally, I should stop here before you once again assume I’m giving a long rant for therapeutic reasons.....Wait, you haven’t even reached here yet? Good one. How embarrassing for me. But jokes on you: my kink is social invisibility, so go ahead, b!tch, tease me.
#Now to the second player we need, AKA “The Diddler.”
Ah, this takes me back to the good old days when my parents started intermittent fasting for “health benefits,” but in reality, we just couldn’t afford to eat. I remember my grandad was so committed to the fasting that he literally died, and we were so proud of his commitment that we held a barbecue in his honor. That, and mostly because we finally had food. The saddest part? He could’ve had the succulent dinner we had if only Grandpa wasn’t sentimental and stuck with the plan. We just wanted one leg, the only one he had. anyway He would’ve been here today, but oh well.
And please don’t take this as me and my family being cruel. He lived a long, fulfilling life. Well… as fulfilling as life can be when you spend thirty years losing an argument with a staircase, and we just wanted to end his suffering.
And one thing my grandfather taught me before ending up as a succulent dinner was this: besides the importance of family he taught me a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Well… guess who the weak link in our front three is? Yeah, Luis Diaz.
And there goes my public crucifixion.
Now, before you lovely people start foaming at the mouth, let’s get two facts straight that I won’t deny you:
One: he’s absolutely an improvement over our previous wingers.
Two: he definitely brings something to the table. But — and there’s always a “but” he lacks what Michael Olise has: that creative edge, that menace, that feeling that makes the opposing team go, “Ah sh!t, here we fμcking go again. I swear every time this motherfμcker gets the ball…”
And sadly, fan hype hides this flaw. People get so busy praising the work rate, pressing, and passion that they ignore the lack of real creative terror on that left side.
And our board, like the grown ass toddlers they are, simply relax and shit all over the bed, then gaslight us into thinking they indeed signed Ronaldinho. And the worst part? They keep congratulating themselves for collectively shitting the bed.
And that’s where I come in and ask:
“Wait… are you guys having fondue on the bed?” Then I proceed to taste it, only to discover it’s shit, and suddenly I’m having a meltdown, questioning what any of this means and what the point of life even is. I try to drown out the noise, follow the crowd, deny it, convince myself it was chocolate, pretend I’m happy, but deep down I start hating the world, becoming deeply cynical and nihilistic, and when I hit rock bottom I go on a sabbatical, a journey to discover myself only to finally realize I’m the problem and accept who and what I am. But no, I’m not going to do that. I mean, have you seen the energy and mental fortitude it takes to accept you’re the problem? No thank you. I’d rather just be a cynical cunt.
Oh, and here’s your “fμck you” in advance, just in case you feel obligated to get snarky after reading that. 🤷
Anyway, back to the point. The hype is so bad that some fans were criticizing how poor a game Olise had, to the point of accusing him of being bribed by psg, all while completely forgetting Diaz was in the game too. And last time I checked, football had two wings. So here’s what I say: So what if Olise had a bad game? Why didn’t Diaz step up?
So who should we bring in to give the left side the creative edge it sorely needs?
In my opinion: Yan Diomande.
The kid is 19. He’s good at dribbling, he’s fast, he’s strong, and have I mentioned he’s 19 and creative?
Unless we’re planning to pull the next Franck Ribrry out of our asses, then stop acting broke and please don’t let this kid join Liverpool.
So if the hope is to have another player like Olise on the left, and unless we’re planning on signing Julian Alvarez, who could also be a good backup striker to Harry Kane then Diomande is that guy.
I mean, signing Anthony Gordon instead of Yan Diomande is like my parents telling Grandad intermittent fasting is good for his health. I mean, technically it was good after all. We needed to eat, and here our club needs depth. But come on, aren’t we tired of this “let’s capitalize on our luck and call it a brilliant transfer strategy” nonsense?
I’m not saying I know how to run a football club, and God only knows I wouldn’t last one day in their shoes, but the one thing I do know is bullsh!t. And in fact, this was one of the reasons I had reservations about winning the UCL this year. Here’s why:
There’s this mentality starting to get ingrained in some fans that we’re destined to win the UCL every five to ten years.
Go figure.
Imagine our motto being “Mia San Mia” and having that mentality.
I thought “we are who we are” meant that no matter what, we rise to the occasion. No matter how much of an underdog we seem, it’s ours to throw away. Not only reaching the final every year, but winning the UCL being non negotiable.
Imagine the irony.
Anyway, back to the point. If we had won the UCL this year and this is just my speculation, (take it or leave it) this board would’ve been proud of the gamble they took with the poor squad depth and claimed it was some genius level masterclass. Then they’d bullsh!t the fans again, bring back the same poorly managed squad, cost us another season without winning the UCL, and then say: “Oh well, we didn’t win this year, but I’m sure we’re bound to win it in the next five to ten years.”
Now, the point of sharing the deeply personal family bonding cannibalism story is to show how much this club is cannibalizing its own success while giving us bullsh!t excuses.
Take a moment to contemplate this:
FC Bayern Munich is a club destined for success, destined to win trophies as many as possible, destined to go deep into the UCL to the point where winning it every year should at least feel achievable.
But instead, the club keeps capitulating its own chances because of issues like squad depth, lack of coaches in previous years, and other problems that should never have happened in the first place.
I only want everyone to ask themselves:
In what world do you run a club like this? Because if you truly look at it, this feels like cannibalism. We delude ourselves and eat our own success.
We finally have great players again, and after a long time we finally got a good coach capable of bringing stability and building a serious project. So instead of backing him properly and improving the squad with better players, what do they do?
They act broke, waste the players and coachs time, and above all, bullsh!t the fans every year with excuses about why we didn’t win it all.
Lastly, here’s one thing I want to say, though, and I don’t even know how to put it properly: We, or rather the board, seem to have this mentality of buy the cheap ones, buy the bum ones, and somehow expect them to become the next big thing. I seriously don’t understand why we time and time again keep thinking like this.
I mean, broke ass clubs like Barca are going for players like Julian alvarez, while we’re out here doing… whatever this is. It’s honestly frustrating.
And look, I’m not saying we should spend like oil clubs. Financially, we’ll never compete with those teams, and that’s fine. But at some point it has to be obvious: dreams and mentality, no matter how important and great they are, they alone won’t win you titles. Players win you titles.
What makes this even more frustrating is that we finally found a coach capable of making magic out of small squad like this, and instead of doing the right thing even more, the logical thing what do they do? We avoid transfers like Yan Diomande, and loan players like Jackson, and once again target players like Anthony Gordon.
I’m not saying we need to buy 10 or 15 players like those oil fcs I know it impossible for us. We just need a good no, two or three QUALITY players.
I mean, look at Atletico. They have Alvarez and Lookman. Even mancity who bought Cherki for 35m and Ghueh for 20-something. Why can't we buy players like those?
Like, it really is frustrating, especially knowing that if we were a properly run club, we could have won a lot more trophies in recent years.
Let that sink in. If they stop pussyfooting around not only do I truly believe it, I guarantee you we can reach the UCL finals or even win it every year. Just look at what we achieved this year with the squad we started the season with, compared to other teams like PSG, Arsenal, Real Madrid, and Liverpool. ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT WE HAVE A MENTALITY NO OTHER TEAM HAS EVEN OUR OPPONENTS TESTIFY TO IT. SO, BACK IT UP. THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING: "BACK THE MENTALITY," AND THEN THE SKY'S THE LIMIT TO WHAT WE CAN ACHIEVE.
So as long as we invest in two, three, maybe four real quality players especially considering who’s leaving this year then maybe we avoid another season of “what could have been.”
I'm not even asking match Just two quality players a CDM and a LW.
Anyways, if you stuck around this far reading all this… well, thank you. Now let it rip 🫣
TL;DR
Buying fullbacks won’t solve our problems. Our issues go far deeper than that, besides elite fullbacks are rare and hard to come by nowadays anyway. With a few fixes elsewhere, we can solve our two glaring weaknesses.
Right now, we are awful off the ball terrible in transition, counterattacks, rest defense, whatever you want to call it. One major fix would be getting a proper DM with ball playing ability. Imo pluers like Carlos baleba, Tchouameni, Sandro tonali, Elliot Anderson or camavinga would be a great signings and Pair one of them with Aleksandar Pavlović and move Joshua Kimmich back to RB.
Whether you like it or not, Kimmich is a better RB than any player we can realistically sign. Also, Pavlović needs to bulk up the way Goretzka did he has to become more physically aggressive.
Second, Michael Olise’s creativity and menace alone cannot carry this team. We need another left winger who is just as creative and dangerous as Olise not a backup to Diaz, but someone even more decisive and threatening than him.
The board also needs to stop acting broke. It keeps cannibalizing the club’s long term success over and over again.
With the right additions, the squad depth also improves naturally. Konny can be a backup fullback covering both sides and midfield positions, Tom Bischof can develop into a backup No. 10, and Diaz could rotate at LW while also serving as backup striker to Harry Kane.