I can't take it
I seriously don't know how much more I can take. I've been fucking miserable since my diagnosis only last year and my anxiety doesn't let up ever. Now suddenly I'm getting akathisia signs after being on a drug for 8 months and worried to hell about what's gonna happen. Every drug I've been given has made me so incredibly sick, drunk, panicked, etc etc. I'm trying to wean right now onto a certain side effect friendly mood stabilizer and I'm STILL feeling like I'm dying.
I have NO stressors in my life and yet it feels like I have the biggest responsibility and stress in the world. I've been to the ER almost 10 fucking times this year for dumb physical anxiety symptoms that make me feel like I'm dying. I feel like my brain has been reduced to MUSH. I absolutely can not hold a job, I can't even doordash without wanting to drive off a cliff. I'm incapable of doing anything. I'm trapped in my anxious fucked up brain.
I MOURN the person I was for the first 23 years of my life and the thought of living potentially 40 more years makes me want to jump in the ocean. I've only had this diagnosis for a year and already feel like I have a TBI. No fucking WAY am I staying around when it gets "worse".
All this happened initially because I took a medication and something switched in my brain. Now I'm supposed to take more medications to somehow fix the damage? It doesn't make any fucking sense and I don't want to be here anymore.