Things have been going better, why do I feel this way?
Me [31M] and my gf [29F] have been together about 4.5 years, although we've known each other for a bit longer than that. We've lived together most of that time and have a couple pets. Life is stable for the most part.
I'm having a hard time lately because I am having frequent recurring thoughts of wanting to be single again. It's not even that I want to sleep with other people, I just have a strong craving of wanting to be alone and do everything over and I do not know what to do about it.
A bit of background: for a good chunk of the relationship I was an active alcoholic and as of late last year I've been sober for a while now. I feel as if I see life through a new lens and that maybe some of the things I thought I wanted before I no longer do now. I realize a lot of this would not be possible without the support of my gf. She has helped me through this and me having these feelings now is giving me a lot of guilt. I wonder sometimes if quitting the alcohol is the cause for these feelings and if maybe after some time my nervous system will "balance out", but I'm not 100% sure.
My gf is a sweet girl and she's done nothing really wrong. I do feel like I don't have a lot to talk to her about. I have a lot of interests and she's more the kind of person that games all day. Her ideal life is living in the same place as her parents and having kids and I feel like I have more living to do before all that. We've talked about this before and while she's heard me, she still jabs at me that she wants kids earlier. I know she expects engagement soon...I just don't know.
I find myself avoiding her lately. It's not that she's off-putting it's just I'm not that interested when I'm around her. I find often that I don't like kissing her, not because she's bad at it but because I don't feel that kind of connection there. I do genuinely care tremendously for this girl and often think how devastated I'd be if something bad happened to her.
I was about to break things off a few days ago but as soon as I got home and saw her all those feelings melted away and I couldn't do it. We then had a pretty good day and good feelings came back. However, after a couple days the feelings of wanting to be single come back. Then the cycle starts over.
I don't want to break her heart but I don't want to waste her time either. I don't want to lose this girl who has given me everything but I don't want to wake up in 10 years and realize I made a mistake. I also don't want to break up, wake up 10 years down the line, and realize I made a mistake dumping her. This is causing me genuine anguish sometimes and I don't know what to do.
I wish I could look ahead and see all the possible outcomes for all the possible permutations of choices to pick the best one, but I can't.