u/FrequencyB

Dear fellow readers,

I need to get something off my chest, and I would really appreciate some outside perspective on my situation.

In January 2024, I started working at a company in an administration position. At the time, I was in a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship with my then-boyfriend. After that relationship ended, I started developing feelings for one of my co-workers (Male, 27).

The work environment itself is far from healthy or professional. My manager and my partner have been friends since school, which creates a very unbalanced dynamic in the workplace. My manager frequently leaves work during office hours to play golf, sometimes 3–4 times a week, leaving me to handle not only my own responsibilities but many of his as well. I have now worked here for over two years and currently have more than 30 days of leave owed to me, but I can never actually take leave because there is nobody else to properly oversee the office when I am gone.

I do not have any formal qualifications, so I often feel trapped in this position because I need the stability and income. Despite that, I work incredibly hard and carry a lot of responsibility at the company.

In December 2024, my co-worker and I officially started dating. In the beginning, things were good, but only about a month later, he and our manager had a massive falling out. The situation started because my partner drove the company vehicle home without permission. I genuinely believed he had permission at the time. The next day, my manager reprimanded both of us, but later apologised to me after realising I had no idea my partner had taken the vehicle without approval.

A week later, things escalated further and my manager kicked my partner out of his house. My partner had been living with him and his fiancée for two years and paid them rent every month.

Before all of this happened, I had already planned to move because my apartment was too small and I disliked the environment and neighbours. Before we started dating, I had asked my now-partner if he would want to share a two-bedroom flat with me because I assumed he would eventually want to move out of our manager’s house. At the time, he declined. But after being kicked out, he suddenly wanted to move in with me.

After the fight, my manager demanded that my partner continue paying him a large amount of money every month for six months so that he could “learn the consequences” of his actions. Personally, I did not agree with this because my manager had already intended to ask him to move out eventually, as his friend had been living with him and his fiancée long-term already. My partner paid him for those six months, which meant that I had to carry most of the financial burden at home just so we could survive. In reality, I ended up suffering the consequences far more than my partner did.

Something important to mention is that while my partner lived with my manager, my manager heavily funded his lifestyle. Food, alcohol, golf, social outings — most of it was paid for. Now that we live together independently, reality has hit hard. I earn a junior admin salary, and although my partner earns enough to survive, he is heavily in debt. He continuously pays off his credit card only to immediately use the balance again, meaning the debt never improves. I also had debt from poor financial decisions when I was younger, but in the last year I have managed to close two accounts and actively improve my finances.

The frustrating part is that my partner is actually a qualified electrician and could realistically earn three times what he currently earns if he genuinely pursued better opportunities. I am actively looking for other work opportunities to better support our household, despite not having qualifications, while he claims he is looking for something better but puts very little actual effort into it.

When our lease ended, we decided to move closer to work because our daily commute was taking nearly three hours a day. We also wanted a bigger place that was pet-friendly, which mattered a lot to me because I have always had pets. I truly believed that moving would be the start of things improving for us — a bigger home, a garden, pets, and finally feeling like we were building a life together after struggling financially for so long.

But things have not improved.

I packed up almost our entire home by myself while my partner sat at a bar drinking with our manager. The next day we moved, and the day after that, I was left alone unpacking while my partner and my manager spent the Sunday golfing.

Since moving, my partner has been golfing and drinking with my manager even more often. He stays out late drinking, spends money irresponsibly, and then runs out of money early in the month, leaving me to pick up the financial pieces yet again.

At night, I often have to stay awake waiting for him to come home so I can open the gate for him because although we have two remotes, he has still not bothered programming the second one. There have been many nights where I sit awake anxious, not knowing where he is, who he is with, or how late he plans on coming home because he does not communicate properly with me.

What makes things even more difficult is that my manager inserts himself into our relationship constantly. If I call my partner upset because he is out late and I have no idea where he is or when he will be home, my manager blames me and makes me out to be the problem. If we say no to plans or disagree with something, I then have to deal with the awkwardness and tension at work the next day. It feels impossible to separate my personal life from my work life.

Emotionally, things are also becoming painful. My partner has not taken me on a proper date in about five months. He did not get me anything for my birthday, did not take me out, and makes very little effort toward our relationship. Most weekends, he either goes golfing with my manager or lies on the couch sleeping while we watch TV. We do not spend quality time together anymore, and I feel more like a roommate carrying responsibilities than a partner in a loving relationship.

What hurts the most is that I have begged and begged for things to change. I have communicated my feelings over and over again. I have cried, explained, pleaded, tried to compromise, and tried to be understanding. Every single time, he promises things will change. He promises he will communicate better, spend more time with me, drink less, make more effort, help more financially, and prioritise our relationship more. But the changes never last. Within days or weeks, everything goes back to exactly how it was before.

I feel like I am constantly accepting apologies and promises instead of seeing actual action.

I am exhausted from carrying the emotional weight of this relationship almost entirely on my own. I feel like I am constantly waiting for the version of him that he keeps promising me exists, while the reality is that I feel lonely even while living with him.

I care deeply about him, but I am starting to question whether love alone is enough when there is so little consistency, effort, reassurance, or partnership being shown.

I would genuinely appreciate any advice or outside perspective because I no longer know whether I am overreacting or finally waking up to a situation that is slowly draining me emotionally, financially, and mentally.

TL;DR: I’m in a relationship where I feel like I’m carrying all the emotional, financial, and practical responsibility. My boyfriend prioritises drinking, golf, and his friend (who is also my manager) over our relationship. I’ve repeatedly asked for change and been promised improvement, but nothing lasts. I feel exhausted, unsupported, and like I’m slowly burning out while trying to keep everything together.