How to get rid of the feelings of jealousy when my partners find sexual partners?
So, I (28F) have 2 partners. Thorne (36MtF) and Flora (29FtM)
Thorne and I have been together for 4 years and married for almost 2 years. She's my first sexual partner and so far my only as Flora and I have only been together for 2 months and haven't had sex yet. All 3 of us live together happily and Thorne and Flora are literally best friends. It's the best scenario I could ever think of in my mind.
Now here's the thing: Thorne and I have been trying to work on my jealousy issues and how to combat it when my partners find sexual metas. Right now neither of them have partners besides me, but it's not about them finding love and relationships. I'm so happy when they do. Like so ecstatic! But then the idea of Thorne and Flora having sex with them sets in and I start feeling terrible.
I, myself, have abandonment issues. So badly. My idea is theyre going to get/ get someone pregnant and leave me because I cannot have kids right now. I would be, in technical terms, infertile because of medical issues and I want to have children with both of them. (I'm currently going through treatment). That kills me because I fear they're going to find someone else to have babies with, and because they have a moral obligation to that child and their partner, that i would be... I guess "lower on the totem pole"? They would need to move out. They would need to move in with their other partner to take care of the baby. They would leave me behind because I'm infertile. Thorne has already gotten someone pregnant by accident before (albeit ended in a miscarriage) , who's to say that won't happen again? Who's to say they wont both leave me because they don't have the energy to deal with me anymore?
I talked to them about it before which they told me it wouldn't happen. If they did get pregnant or got someone pregnant, they would make sure I was with them always. If they did need to move, they would take me with them cause they love me.
My brain is saying otherwise, but because of this thought in my brain, I've ruined a lot of relationships and potentials for Thorne. I'm doing my best, but I fear that toxic monogamy has flooded my brain. I don't want to do that. That's not who I am. I love them both and I want them both to be happy with other people, even in sexual relationships. I just have fears and jealousy that I don't know how to work through.
I tried a therapist, but the therapist dropped me... Currently looking for a new one now.