Christian relationship + abstinence dilemma
I (early 20s F) have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He is genuinely one of the kindest men I’ve ever met. He’s caring, patient, emotionally mature, family-oriented, and very serious about his faith. We’re both Christian and early in the relationship we agreed to wait until marriage before having sex because we wanted to center God in our relationship.
At first I fully agreed with it. I thought it would help me grow in discipline and self-control. But as time went on, I started struggling a lot more than I expected. I’ve always been a very openly sexual person and I honestly underestimated how difficult abstinence would be for me. My boyfriend has stayed extremely firm in his beliefs and boundaries, while I feel like I’ve been internally fighting myself for months.
The difficult part is that there’s another guy who has been in and out of my life for years. There’s always been chemistry/tension between us and we’ve kind of had this “wrong place, wrong time” dynamic. Recently we got close again and during Christmas we crossed a line physically before I stopped things because I felt guilty. I never told him I had a boyfriend, which I know was wrong.
Now he’s coming back to town soon and wants to see me again. I haven’t stopped thinking about him and I feel terrible about it because I genuinely love my boyfriend deeply and could honestly see myself marrying him someday.
What’s messing with my head is that one relationship feels emotionally safe, stable, loving, and aligned with my values, while the other feels exciting, passionate, and intensely physical. I feel guilty even typing that because it makes me sound shallow.
Part of me thinks this is really about discipline, boundaries, and emotional attachment more than just sex. Another part of me wonders if I’m suppressing a side of myself that will eventually become a problem later in marriage.
I know a lot of people will say “just break up” or “just cut the other guy off,” but emotionally it feels more complicated than that. I care about both people deeply and I’m scared of hurting everyone involved, including myself.
I guess I’m asking:
How do you know whether you’re protecting a good relationship or just staying because it feels safe?
(TL;DR: I’m in a loving Christian relationship where we decided to stay abstinent until marriage, but I’ve been struggling with sexual frustration and reconnecting with a guy I’ve had years of chemistry with. I genuinely love my boyfriend and see a future with him, but I can’t stop thinking about the other guy and feel torn between passion and stability/values. I feel guilty, confused, and scared of hurting everyone involved.)