I’m going to try and keep this short. I am so conflicted and need some advice.
I (30M) about 3 weeks ago told my wife (28F) of 4 years (together for 8) that I was contemplating separation. We have 2 children, 4yo and 8mo.
My reasoning was that I hadn’t been happy for years. Even before marriage. My attraction level has been at an all time low, I don’t crave attention from her, I’m not excited to come home to her. Affection seems like a chore to me. For months (years in cycles) she’s been telling me how she wants more affection, and I feel guilty that I don’t want to give her that affection. I do care about her, and I hate that I feel this way but I can’t control it.
I feel conflicted, if I stay, maybe things can be worked out. We wouldn’t have to go down the long and painful road of divorce. My children will grow up with a dad and mom in the same house. But is my happiness a sacrifice I have to make? Could my kids be happy if I leave?
She’s the mother of my children and I love her for that. I’m a very present father and she’s a great mom. However, i am scared that if I stay, my children grow up thinking it’s ok to be unhappy, and to just stick it out.
In my own reflections I feel that my resentment comes from a relationship full of fighting (very public blowups on her end), personality differences, and maybe even from a financial standpoint as she has never been an ambitious person.
The initial conversation was a blowup, lots of crying on both ends. Being the non-confrontational person I am, I caved, and suggested she leave for a week so I could have some time to seek clarity and think.
The entire week she was gone I did not miss her at all. But I feel extremely guilty because of that, of course I missed my children tremendously. She tells me that she loves me and misses me, and that things will get better. But I don’t know. I don’t want to look back in 30 years and realize that I lived an unhappy life because I was scared of change.
We had a talk when she came back and I caved again and suggested Discernment counselling as a way to uncover why I feel this way and maybe give her a better understanding of how she really feels.
For some backstory;
Ive pretty much always had a feeling that It wouldn’t work out. I’m the type of person that avoids conflict, difficult conversations, and drama. For example early on in our relationship she cheated and to avoid confrontation and drama I chose to forgive her and work things out.
Our relationship problems have always been cyclical. Rinse and repeat, failed promises in both ends, etc.