My wife and I are very private and I just need to talk to somebody about the fact that I think I'm losing her.
My wife and I haven't had the best marriage, but we are united in our privacy. Neither of our families have been good at supporting us in times of need so we have learned to be self-sufficient.
She's been quite sick for some time, hasn't been able to eat solids for months and now she can barely get down liquids. She's a nurse and basically broke it to me last night that this either ends up being solved with a feeding tube or chemo and she is not willing to put herself through either one.
I will fully admit I have not been the best support for her so she has already come to peace with a lot of this already on her own time (she is also a hospice nurse so she knows this song and dance pretty well). Only last night did she basically tell me she already has end-of-life plans laid out and has assigned a close friend of hers power of attorney because she wants to make sure it will be someone who acts on her behalf and doesn't make decisions emotionally or selfishly, which I understand.
So now, I'm supposed to just... go to my teaching job today and try to be alright. I have already grieved our marriage, and we had talks of separation even before she got sick. But now I feel guilt for not being the support she needed and the part that wrecks me the most is every time I think about our two daughters. We have a 3-year-old and a 9-month-old and I'm trying to fight back tears every time I think about having to tell them why their mother will be gone.
I'm on my planning period now and thankfully don't have grading to do at this time in the year but I'm afraid if I even let myself break down now I won't have it together by the time my students return.
Part of me wants to tell her to fight but she's also been chronically ill her whole life and I get that she doesn't want to fight anymore, especially since she sees what it does to families on a daily basis in her work.
And I already know some comments are going to tell me to talk to a therapist, don't worry, I'm scheduling that appointment ASAP. I just don't have anyone to tell this to right now.