I don't know who I am, I've been ignoring and avoiding it, where do I go?
Hi there, if you are reading or respond to this at all, I thank you in advance. I'm a mid-20s, bearish AMAB who has identified as enby for the past few years. When I was much younger before preteen) I'd often be hung up on being another gender, but I grew up in a very unstable, unsafe environment so I gave no long-term thought to anything aside from keeping my head above water. Despite a very traditionally masculine appearance, I started having extended bouts of gender dysphoria around the age of 19, and I pushed the thoughts aside as, and I know it sounds bad, I had too much going on in my life. Since then, its been there, like a humming fluorescent light for the past few years. I just kept ignoring it. My other issues in life superseded it due to their severity, and now that I'm at a more stable point, I can face it, but I'm unsure of what to do.
I'm actively disgusted by most of my physical masculine traits, and I only keep them as I'm afraid of public perception without them. I'd rather have an ugly sweater than be naked. I only started identifying as enby as the idea of being a "man" repulsed me. I had a partner who asked if I could be referred to as their "boyfriend" and I only allowed it to not bother them (I'm a doormat, I know) and I look back on it with regret. I feel like I've been putting on a front for so long. I began emphasizing what feminine traits I do have a little over a year and its generally made me so much happier in life. Maybe I'm just enby who wishes they were more femme-presenting. I'm not sure where to go from or who to talk to about this. If anyone has any help, advice, or resources I'd greatly appreciate it.