u/FreshPeeshes

it has officially gotten out of hand, gradually over the course of the last few years.

i'm pretty sure i have mental illness and have had it since i was a kid, and i've lost the strength and ability to fight it anymore. my mind is such a mess now that i can't function. i'm failing at my job, relationships, and letting my life go severely downhill. my house is in the worst shape i've ever let a living space be, and it's starting to fall apart from lack of maintenance. i live alone and have no support.

i live in the US and have struggled my entire life with my brain and functioning normally, but i was never able to get help as a kid for many reasons (poor, ignorant parents, family trauma, bad school district with unsupportive adults etc.). i was basically gaslit by everyone into thinking it was my own fault for thinking and feeling the way i did. i've done alright despite it, but something has happened recently and i just have no more fight in me. i know what i need to do, but can't force myself to do it. i sit and try to make a list of what i need to do to move forward, but then my mind goes blank. my chest hurts. i feel exhausted. i think i'm finally burnt out.

i've made attempts to help myself. i've lived healthy (diet, exercise, sleep) and went to the doctor a couple years ago seeking help. he put me on wellbutrin, and i'm pretty sure it made me have a pretty severe manic episode. i made a few impulsive and bad decisions during that time that were uncharacteristic of me and sank me into debt. so i quit taking it. my mom had bipolar 1, but she was adopted so don't know the full family history. i did tell the doctor that. i'm pretty sure i've probably inherited what she had. he actually warned me about getting officially diagnosed with something like that and how it could change my life and opportunities, which is fair, but it scared me away from seeking further help. my mom was on disability and couldn't work.

now i'm in a position where i have no money, and my job dropped insurance, so i can't afford to go back to the doctor. i have to somehow come up with the strength to get my house back in shape and sell it so i can get out of debt and afford help before this thing kills me.

so meanwhile, i'm just hoping to hear some stories from people who can relate. also, what drugs should i research that may help me? i've learned that here in America, at least where i'm at, you have to take your health into your own hands. can't just trust the doctors, gotta do your own research and get second opinions.