How to give and avoidant safety?
Hi,
I am 31 and my bf is 35 and we are together for 3 years. Our relationship were very good, healthy and kind. I was sure that we can build a family at some point. After 1.5 years I started conversations about moving in together and this was almost prohibited topic since he would get very avoidant and switch topics and get angry for me asking this. At this time he also started feeling not well in relationship due to the fact that he can't express his needs (as he stated). I was very confused since I have been always open to talk to him and he did not look like he was lacking of something. This is when he started asking for space, telling that we are incompatible and "something metaphysical is missing" but he couldn't explain properly what is it.
I was hurt and confused. We tried couple therapy and he kept saying that he feels "insecurities" but could not verbalize about what specifically. He could pick things like "sometimes we have fight" which was strange since everyone have fights sometimes. Couple therapist said that its something related to his history of a divorce of his parents that were divorcing 25 years. I could not stay in this terrible limbo place where he is emotionally shut down, keep questioning relationships and being not sure. So we broke up.
After 3 month of no contact we eventually got in touch and realized that we love each other and he wanted to give it a second chance to commit on more serious level. For me it was important to start living together so he moved into my place. But the format of it was that he just had his clothes on the sofa. He still kept paying for his apartment and wouldn't treat my apartment as shared household but more like he is my guest. On top, he has been diagnosed with Relationship OCD and he would fall into "questioning relationship anxiety" again and again when he would "express his insecurities" to me all the time. He would say that we might be incompatible because of the minor things like definition of clothes style, or that he prefers homeopathic treatment instead of medication. And again, he would get emotionally shut down, looking depressed and being very cold needing space. Then cycle would be over and he would get back to normal and kind and caring.
On my side I started becoming more and more anxious due to the feeling that he still avoids bigger conversations about future even after 3 years. I started pushing for conversations about family and what is our shared vision of the future. And he fell into same cycle as last year when he would have to move into his apartment (that he kept probably for this case), he needs to focus on himself and he is not sure what he wants. This time he took accountability for his fearful-avoidant attachment and commitment phobia. However, he is still feeling unsafe in the perspective of the long-term relationships. He is not sure if its with me or in general he feels like this. He is also very worried for my mental health since I experienced this push and pull too much and having mental breakdowns when he has his insecurities again and need to withdraw.
We are doing couple therapy again but he thinks that if cycle is repeating and he cant commit (for reasons he doesn't know it just feels unsafe) then we have to break up. I am very confused and drained from this chaotic, disorganized behavior. I love him and I want to create safety for him but so far I am traveling to Barcelona and giving him space but it became only worse. He feels better alone, more exiting emotionally and being very distant.
I feel like I cannot win here. No matter how I would behave his fears and insecurities are taking over.