u/Freshmamapoolblue

long story short, a toxic three year online relationship just ended for me and I physically felt like i wanted to die and hated the person even tho I loved them deeply and I was switching back and forth between these intense emotions that I literally could not get a handle on. Its been a few days later and I have calmed down a little but I'm stuck on this feeling of rejection/hurt/devestation/completely abandoned by someone that once told me I was their everything and they would always be there for me. He said he was afraid of me, which hurts the most, tbh. But our cycle became too much for him and he finally ended it. I would beg for validation that he loved me, he would get overwhelmed, I would do something drastic like threaten to kill myself, apologize profusely, slowly get him back, and the cycle continued to happen. The crazy part is that he told me early on that he was diagnosed with BPD so I researched it to learn more about what he was going through and the more I read about it, the more it sounded like me. But I'm only this way with a romantic partner, not friends and family. I took an online quiz, and it matched me with a more quiet type of BPD, i forgot what it was called, maybe Discouraged BPD? Does this sound legit? I would like to know if I do have it, so I can get help handling my intense emotions bc once they get triggered, I feel like they are going to be the death of me. (Although I would not kill myself! I just can't help but think of it during one of these episodes). He was my favorite person, as they say, bc he love bombed me so hard and I met the intensity immediately and it never went away after three years, I kept needing it from him, and when it stopped coming, I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't even handle an amicable parting of ways, I lashed out so hard. Now I'm still vascilating between feelings of shame, hatred, and hopelessness and I just want to move on and feel at peace. For some reason I keep thinking I need to find another person who will be able to put me at ease, which i know sounds pathetic.