Just a post to vent and get some opinions because I feel broken. It’s a long one, but I don’t have anyone to talk to about this so I’m just going to type whatever is on my mind.
Our relationship had a rough start, but we loved each other from the beginning. I met her at work and we hit it off straight away when we first spoke. I’m much older than her, but she is very mature for her age. I had just come out of a very long term relationship, part long distance and part in person. She had also just come out of a 3-year relationship, but hers ended more mutually due to not being emotionally understood by her ex. I don’t know if it was trauma bonding that brought us closer, but we were very open and transparent about our pasts. My breakup was more severe, while hers was more mutual.
We quickly became friends, but even though we didn’t admit it, we both caught feelings and it was obvious. We worked in the city, she lived nearby, and I lived about 45 minutes away by car. Even though I could work from home, I would drive into the office just to see her every single day. I knew I’d be tired, but it was worth it. We’d stay out after work until 9 or 10pm, then I’d drive home, and it became a pattern for the next couple of months. We went on dates, had lunch together at work, sat next to each other during the day. It felt like the perfect, organic way to meet someone.
Because my breakup was harder, she supported me and reassured me she would be there when things got tough. I loved that about her. About a month into our friendship, she told me she had fallen in love with me. It caught me off guard because I’d never had someone fall so hard and so fast before. But I didn’t feel scared or pushed away, I felt butterflies and appreciated it. I wasn’t in love with her at that point, but my feelings were strong.
I felt stuck between still recovering and not wanting to lose her if I took too long to figure myself out. A couple of months later, I felt like I had recovered enough. My heart and mind both told me I wanted to be with her, so I gave the relationship my full focus. We became exclusive last year, and it’s been nearly a year together. Our love was strong, and I couldn’t have been happier, or so I thought.
Our best moments were amazing. It felt like nothing could break us apart. The laughs, the physical touch, the adventures, everything felt perfect. But when we fought, it was a completely different story. I’ve always had anger issues, and I’m aware of it. I don’t get physical, but I get frustrated, and my stubbornness takes over. In my head, I feel like I need to win arguments. I don’t know if that comes from my past relationship or just who I am, but I hate that about myself.
We didn’t fight often, maybe once every two months but when we did, it was usually over small things that escalated because of my reactions. She is calm and prefers to talk things out straight away, while I need time to cool down so I don’t say something I regret. Even with that, we always stayed together and worked through things.
What I didn’t realise was that on the surface everything seemed fine, but underneath I was slowly damaging the relationship. She was always catering to my emotions, and things were often done on my terms when it came to resolving issues. When it came to deeper conversations, I would shut down or feel uncomfortable. That comes from how I was raised as an only child in an Asian household where emotions weren’t really validated. It was more “suck it up and move on.”
I wasn’t perfect, but I tried to make up for things with hugs, kisses, and gifts to show I was sorry. It became a repeating pattern, and when she was at her most vulnerable, I never truly understood her on a deeper level. When she was with her ex, she went through similar issues with fighting and feeling like she wasn’t being understood.
A few fights later, fast forward to our most recent one at the beginning of this year, things got out of hand. I went too far and raised my voice to a point where I couldn’t control my emotions. It was one of our biggest fights. We ended up lying in bed for hours without speaking to each other. That was my mistake. I should have apologised, gone up to her, and reassured her that everything was going to be okay. I should have been vulnerable in that moment and given her my heart. Instead, I let the silence sit and let it slowly poison something that was special to us.
Eventually, she tried to talk to me about it and we made up again. What I didn’t realise was that the damage had already been done. She kept it in for months after that fight. It’s not like I didn’t recognise my actions. I did. I just chose to show my love in other ways instead of addressing it directly. I spent more time with her, took her out to romantic dinners, bought her flowers, and got her small things that she loved.
A couple of months later, everything seemed normal, even leading up to my birthday. Then she sat me down and told me she was sad. I tried to comfort her, but I could tell something was more deeper. That night we stayed up, cuddled, and I tried to support her as much as I could. After that, things seemed to go back to normal again and we fell back into our normal loving routine.
A few weeks later, she asked me to come over to talk. I had this heavy feeling that something wasn’t right. Deep down, I knew what was coming. She had been thinking about it for months, and she had made her decision. She wanted to break up. Not because she wanted to see other people or because she was giving up on us, but because she wanted things to work in the long run. She told me she was still in love with me, but that we needed time apart to work on ourselves.
I panicked and tried to come up with solutions, but her mind was already made up. She said she would take a few days to really think it through. I tried to stay calm on the outside, but inside I felt like everything was falling apart. My whole world just shattered. For the next few days, we stayed together and I tried to make them count. I gave her the best version of me, and we did everything we would normally do as a couple, just to hold on to that last bit of love.
Eventually, the last day came, and her decision didn’t change. I was broken, but I understood why she felt the way she did. I asked her one last time if she still loved me, and she said she loved me too much. She just needed to figure things out on her own. She didn’t promise she would come back to not lead me on and if I find someone she would be happy for me. What she said hurt me more because I was so in love with her and the idea of a maybe we will, maybe we won’t kills me inside.
I kept asking myself how two people who still in love with each other could end up breaking up. I wanted to work through everything together a couple. I know it took me a long time to fully understand my mistakes, but by the time I did, it felt like it was already too late.
What makes this harder is that we still see each other at work, and I have to act like we’re just friends. We still laugh and spend time together occasionally, but there’s no more physical connection, no more cuddling, no more watching movies together before bed etc. Just friends… We used to message and FaceTime every day, but now it feels empty and emotionless.
Sometimes when we catch up after work, I instinctively reach out, and she still holds my hand and kisses me when I do. In those moments, it feels like we still care about each other and that the love is still there. But I know she doesn’t want to lead me on, and she needs space to think. Still, I constantly feel the urge to message her, to tell her how much I love her and how much I’ve changed.
We agreed to rebuild things from the beginning as friends, instead of how intense and rushed things were at the start. I’m still holding onto that, and I would welcome her back with open arms if she ever decides to come back. But right now, I feel stuck. I feel empty and drained. I’m scared that I’ve lost the love of my life, and because I’m older, I worry that I’ll end up alone. It feels like she was the right person at the wrong time. The uncertainty is painful, and it’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I keep going back and forth in my head. Do we continue talking as friends and hope that we can slowly rebuild what we had, or do I give her space completely? Do I keep trying? I know I need to work on myself over time, but it’s hard to create distance when we still see each other almost every day, and that makes everything even harder.
Thank you for reading.