u/FriedHamper91

My (27) mom (55) a few years ago got into one of my hobbies which is discgolf. Since then she started going to some local course events that I go to, mainly one that is a random doubles league, where once a week you can show up and get paired with someone random, you play best shot doubles discgolf (normal golf but with frisbees being thrown into baskets basically if you haven't seen or heard of it before) and compete with other random teams. It's a pay to enter, so $10 to play and then the top teams get a cash payout. It's a decent sized league, probably averages between 16-30 people coming to it depending on the weather.

This past week she got paired on the same team with a friend of mine who I made through the league many years ago. About halfway through the round, she texts me that her partner/my friend (I'll call him X for this), hasn't let her take a single putt yet. Basically because it's best shot doubles golf, if the first person makes the putt the second person obviously wouldn't have to take it or try, because your team would take the putt that went in.

Now, before I continue I'll give some context, that even though this is a paid league, it is generally on the more chill relaxed side, people aren't super stringent on rules or strategy, mostly people come as a fun mildly competitive league where they can get paired with a random friend or new person and play with some people you know and maybe a some new people and have a good time. Some people do have preferences of going first or going second, but in my time there i'd say 95% of people don't have a preference, so usually people end up doing some sort of alternating who goes first or just whoever is ready to throw first just goes, but there are absolutely a few people who ask to always go first or second or say they're practicing something specific so would like to do x or y if their partner is ok with it.

So back to it, my mom texts me upset that my friend hasn't let them take a putt yet, because he keeps going first and making them. I ask her if she's asked him if she can putt first, because he almost certainly doesn't actually care if he goes first or second and is just a fast player who throws when he's ready. My mom responds with "I shouldn't have to, it's basic manners and he's still stepping up first every time and I'm afraid I'm going to lose it on him". I responded saying the majority of people don't have a preference of going first or second, so if you don't want him to go first each time you need to communicate that and not just sit there and get more mad about it. I didn't get a response and she left as soon as the round finished so we didn't talk, but I did talk with the two other people who were playing with their team and they saw she was upset and asked her about it, then eventually they told her partner that she might want to go first and he started letting her do it but she was still mad the rest of the round.

A bit later that night I get a long text from her basically saying that it's basic courtesy to let your partner go first at times (which I don't disagree with, but there's also perfectly valid explanations for this other than lack of courtesy) and that she's still mad about it and how her feelings are valid, then proceeds to talk about how poorly x must have been raised to be such an inconsiderate person and how it's not her job to teach him to not be selfish and he needs to just do the right thing, then a while later she says she's still trying to learn discgolf cause she's new and that "I can't get practice in if people don't LET me try to make the putts. He's already good, he doesn't need more practice he can just make it after I miss anyways". There was more to it but those were the main points.

So I responded with a long winded response saying that X is one of the most sincere and nice people that comes to this event, and that this entire situation could have been avoided if she just asked if she could start going first since she hasn't gotten to putt yet, but instead she chose to not say anything and get progressively more mad and frustrated about it which is an immature way to handle the situation. I mentioned that most people don't have a preference, but if they do, they always speak up on it, and that some people never want to putt and would always be happy if their partner made it first (I've had multiple partners over the years who have said this so it's not uncommon). I then also brought up again that x is a fast player, and over the years we've been told repeatedly by the person who runs the course and event to keep pace of play in mind because we regularly used to still be finishing up our rounds in the dark which nobody enjoys. So how is he supposed to know that you have a problem with him putting first because he's ready first, if you haven't said anything about it? Especially when what he's doing seems to be working and is helping the teams score? And is he supposed to ignore what the person running the event says about playing when ready when you haven't even voiced that you'd like to go first a few times? Why would he assume he needs to change anything if no issue has been communicated? I mentioned that people also have different motivations for coming, and that it's a paid league. Not everyone is under the assumption that other people are trying to practice specific things, so if you're trying to get as many putts in and want to go first because of it, you need to communicate that, it's not your partners responsibility to make sure you get enough practice in. Or if they keep going first and making it, you just ask if you can go first because you haven't had a chance? Why was your first choice to not resolve the issue with one simple question, but instead you choose to just sit on it progressively getting more mad, and letting your entire night be ruined?

This also isn't the first time this has happened, last time she got upset from someone putting before her every time it was some highschool kid and again instead of saying anything about it she just waited until she was annoyed and made passive aggressive remarks about it near the end of the round. Ill also note I'm quite embarrassed and annoyed at her behavior with this in part because first off it feels that she's being insanely judgmental towards a friend of mine who is genuinely one of the nicest people I've met, but is just on the quiet side, but also when my mom started out getting into discgolf she asked if I mind if she comes to these events, and I said no I don't mind, but I did hesitate at first because I was worried that situations exactly like this would happen. In my 5 years of doing events here, I literally haven't had a single annoyance or confrontation with a single person, yet each of the last 2-3 years since she started, my mom has multiple things like this come up each year, so I'm definitely annoyed that simply by being her son I'm getting roped into all this drama, especially in what seems to me to be her not responding maturely in these situations.

Tldr: mother said bad things about my friend to me, and got visibly angry and annoyed discgolfing yet she didn't ever communicate a problem or annoyance with what he was doing because she thinks she shouldn't have had to, and that friend should have been more considerate, so instead she ended up getting more and more mad until others asked her what was wrong and communicated it to her partner instead of her.