I've been off stims for 15 months. Been off alcohol for almost 6 months exactly. Had 4 drinks tonight. It's the first time in a couple of weeks that I have an evening to myself. I have the biggest urge to procure some stim. (Trying to keep it vague as to not drag anyone else down with me)
I feel a little too drunk. A bit nauseous. I know that a bump would fix that real quick. I know it would give me that light breezy summer feeling that I've been craving for fucking ages.
It would help my diet massively (down 9kg in 11 weeks. I've been plateaued at my current weight for 2 weeks even though I'm at a 800cal deficit.
My partners and friends would be gutted if they found out. If they found out about me struggling AGAIN they would probably lose it or overreact completely. So I can't really ask any of my usual support people for help. My therapist is the only person I can imagine talking to about this. But our next session is in 8 days.
Would my job performance suffer or improve? I have 3 mentees at work that depend on me and a CEO breathing down my neck. I've already hospitalized myself by doing 3 all-nighters in a row. Collapsed and hit my head on a table. Really embarrassing shit.
Typing this out has already helped a bit. Would appreciate some kindness or tough love though.