26F, ex is 28M. We dated from high school into late adulthood.
We were each other’s first for everything. I actually asked him out. We had the same classes together. He was shy and nerdy, which was my “type” (if teens that young with no experience can even have a solid type, lol).
In hindsight, that was kind of our first incompatibility that I missed. I was nerdy in an animation/comic books/art/writing way, and he was a gamer from a solid gamer family. His father was a gaming addict for WoW, which eventually played a part in his own divorce years later.
••••••
The build up
Overall, the first years of our relationship during high school (when I still lived with my parents) were okay. I think I had these over-dramatic expectations of a passionate romance based on romantic comedies, hoping he would give compliments and big displays of affection the way I showed him, but he always said it was hard for him to reciprocate that naturally. At the time it was okay. I don’t know. I was a very insecure girl who was bullied for her appearance, so part of it felt like I was just grateful to have him around at all. But I did care for him. I made him a lunch bag every day with a drawing and note on the paper bag. He was two years ahead of me. His senior year, his family moved to the next county down south, and we kept in contact by FaceTiming during our lunch breaks to chat.
But his family always felt off. I thought back then I could just ignore all of it, love should conquer all! but I can’t help but think about my younger self and the pain she went through.
My parents divorced and my dad left back to Mexico during my junior year of high school. I feel like once my dad left the home, I almost became lesser status in the eyes of his parents/older relatives. But again, I was young and didn’t have experience. We were happy, and that’s what mattered.
{{{ Overall — not that race should matter in love but for context, feel free to skip/ignore:
I’m Mexican. His father, a US Marine, is Filipino/Peruvian. His mother is white, blonde, with southern roots. }}}
My sister had kids young at 19, but with the fallout and our personal family drama, I was already staunchly childfree for as long as I could remember. Watching my sister struggle definitely solidified that I didn’t want to be a mom. Yet I felt like his older relatives just assumed I would be another stereotype. When my ex was 18 and I was still in high school, his mom was taking me to their house to visit, and she had a private talk about how worried she was that I would falsely accuse him of rape as a minor. But we never fought then. We were both so young and happy, and in hindsight, I don’t know. It feels so wrong.
My dad died a few months after I graduated high school. His family visited for my graduation and my 18th birthday, but it never felt like they meshed well with my family. When his younger brother had his own girlfriend who graduated high school, she invited us to her party, and his entire family came to her house. They actually spoke to her family and friends, and I couldn’t help but feel jealousy and also shame. But again, me and him…I guess our relationship was okay.
I remember that night asking him if his family would have taken me more seriously if my dad were still alive, but he (understandably) was tired and told me he couldn’t talk about that in the moment.
•••••
The major red flags
We had a breakfast meetup with his grandparents (father’s side), and his grandma asked if my mom still lived in the trailer park (while smiling). I don’t know if it’s because I’m autistic, but I just said yes, because it’s the truth. She immediately nodded and changed the subject to talk to the rest of the table. It’s something I still can’t shake off years later. He kept telling me his grandma is sweet and probably didn’t know it came off rude, but I don’t know. I just see his other brothers get girlfriends who are treated better than me right off the bat.
I’m Latina, and family was always a big part of my lifestyle. Every Friday we would all go to my cousin’s house and hang out as a family. I just always had this dream that my relationship would be able to mesh with my family as well, and it just feels like his were so reluctant, or thought we were “ghetto” despite our household incomes being quite similar.
His dad was really weird though, and I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. In 2020, my ex was in a car accident that left him with disc bulges and sciatica pain. He hasn’t been able to work a job since then, it’s hard for him to walk / carry weight.
I essentially became a full-time caretaker overnight, and truthfully I did tell him it was my turn to take care of him after how much he took care of me. He wasn’t stingy with money. He was a gaming addict like his dad, and sometimes he would rather log in than hook up with me. Often he would log in after we did hook up. But again, I had very low self esteem about my looks, so it felt expected.
••••
The breaking point
My only income at the time was online sex work (Onlyfans / Snapchat). He was against it at first then “tolerated” it. He would throw it back at me during arguments, but otherwise would tell his family and friends as a brag when I would have a pile of wishlist boxes on our doorstep. When his parents (mom cheated on dad) divorced, he outed my sex work to his parents to convince them to stay together, because if he could forgive me then they could learn too. He told me after the fact, I was uncomfortable. I should have broken it off then but I was so shocked that I was outed by my own partner and I felt like if I left at that point then their family would just feel no remorse in airing out my business to everyone. Again this is my relationship I’ve been in since highschool, so our social circles were enmeshed, after graduating I basically had to drop all of my personal friends to move to his county, our circle was 90% his coworkers, friends and family.
After the car accident we couldn’t afford our apartment. We moved into his father’s house (now 2 yrs post-divorced). My boyfriend and I were both heavily depressed, smoking THC carts daily. I was on and off seasonal jobs, nothing permanent for the first two years. During one of my seasonal jobs I met the guy I started having an affair with, we had so much in common : hobbies, temperament, sexual kinks, politics, culture, ethnicity. The brief moments I was allowed to visit my moms house alone for the weekend I would try to arrange a date with him, he was so gentle and reciprocated oral sex which I never had experience before. TMI sorry — my boyfriend would complain that I stopped initiating sex like when we were teens and stopped giving head, but that was after 2 years of asking for reciprocation and he just said he just feels “weird” about it, he doesn’t like the taste, too tired, doesn’t know what to do, he’s “germaphobic” — but since I didn’t have an issue when I was younger, he didn’t understand why I would suddenly grow tired and stop too. He found messages between me and affair partner, I cut contact with Affair partner. I quit my job where I met him.
In the meantime I tried SFW non sexual hobbies like animating and fashion. My favorite style is goth, but I still experimented with other outfit looks. It was fun drawing my outfits digitally but basing them off my real-life closet. I NEVER wore lingerie around his dad, obviously. Weirdly enough, his dad told me I could do my onlyfans videos in his spare closet in the master bedroom? But I never asked to do that. I was only asking ONCE if I could record a tutorial video for how to use my drawing program (didn’t even need to use my camera, just used microphone only???).
I did wear short shorts, skirts, or a tank top, but:
I was an adult at 22–24 at that point.
I still left with a sweater or jacket on when passing him by because his staring was weird. Even though he literally knew me since I was a 15 yr old girl
The actual straw that broke the camel’s back was when his younger brother (21 at that point) moved his girlfriend into his dad’s home as well. Less than a year of dating, mind you. But sure, no problem, no issue.
Suddenly his dad started blaming every mess and dirty dish on me and would scoff at the idea that the younger brother’s girlfriend (pale, Wasian Filipina) could ever be the cause of the dirty dishes.
One day it was my day off from work. My ex and I were in our room, which is right next to the front door and driveway. The new girlfriend was about to leave for work and stopped to talk to the dad on the driveway, so I could hear EVERYTHING. She politely apologized for not doing the dishes because she has OCD and wet food grosses her out. The dad suddenly said it’s no big deal, he doesn’t care about stuff like that, and in fact he’s SO cool he doesn’t even care that when I walk around the house basically half clothed or in lingerie, and that I do onlyfans???
Completely unprompted.
I stood at the window and made eye contact with the girlfriend, and she kinda just left soon after. The dad didn’t notice me. When he walked back in, my ex defended me. It was a huge argument. I was taking a shower, and the dad asked me, while I was in a towel, (in shock? ) He was on his knees begging for forgiveness and apologizing, saying he was going to cry. But it felt so fucking fake. I just went back into the bathroom and closed the door.
•••••••
Realizing What I Had to Do
Two months later, my ex, his older brother (who agreed his dad was fucked up for doing that), and I moved to a new apartment, eight hours away from his dad’s house. I had to quit my full time, regular job, where I even won a work award, started to form friendships and felt more capable of my independence.
I tried giving the relationship a chance because again, it’s not like my ex was the bad guy! it’s just his family. I stopped interacting with my affair partner, I kept telling myself I just had to give it my 100% in this relationship, new environment, fresh start.
Then his grandma came to visit (father’s side). I could tell she resented me. She was polite, and we danced on the dance floor when we had dinner together, but she also kept repeating that my family must miss back home soooo much. I wear makeup but I just don’t feel the need to wear it all the time, especially for this dinner night. She kept mentioning how the younger brother’s girlfriend wears makeup and how nice she is, etc.
It was February, and I felt like a small piece of me realized I could never marry into this family peacefully. I told him that on the walk back to our car. I didn’t think we could get married. He said we could go no-contact with his family. It was romantic, but I didn’t want someone to give up their family for me. I wanted two families becoming one—that’s my culture, that’s what would make me feel complete. I still stayed, but honestly I was toxic and grieving the relationship at that point.
The following winter, his dad had a heart attack scare, and of course now they’re gaming twice a week on Discord. Which is fine, that’s his family, he should be close to them. But of course the no contact idea was just a fantasy.
I began solid plans to move back to my moms house. My brother was moving out to live with his gf + son, and it would mean I could move back home and help keep the home we grew up in. I quit THC carts, cold Turkey sober, I’m finally over the month milestone.
I contacted my affair partner again telling him my goals to move back. After the dad situation, I felt too paranoid to post on Onlyfans, like he was probably subscribing, lurking. It was months of no job prospects here, it’s a rural small town by a military base. So we have to drive about 40 min off base to get to actual stores for a civilian like me to work at. Otherwise due to the government shut down last year they were not hiring…job openings won’t resume until April 2026.
Eventually my affair partner sent me enough money to move out, he even said if we ended up not forming a relationship he wanted me to have it just as a friend leaving a bad situation. My brother will be picking me up on Thursday this week, May 7~ I haven’t seen my own family in person in over a year.
•••••••
Present Day
So now here I am. I made the plans to move out soon, back to my mom’s house. I haven’t posted on social media in over a year because I feel like his dad is lurking, spreading rumors, any outfit will be the next scandalous thing for him to bring up to people I barely know. I told him this multiple times but he brushes it off as letting someone outside our relationship influence my actions.
Yesterday morning my boyfriend read messages on my laptop, found out I was contacting my affair partner. He was obviously upset, understandably. But he kept saying I never intended to help my mom, only fuck. That I’m not autistic, it’s all in my head because I don’t socialize enough. He isn’t abusive because he doesn’t hit me. He doesn’t rape me I should be grateful considering that my childhood, my dad physically abusive.
He isn’t abusive because if he was a bad guy my mom wouldn’t be living in this country. I should hold my self accountable and reflect. He made me call people and “come clean” about my affair, every bad thing I’ve done in this relationship.
Then he said we should talk downstairs to see how we’re going to move from this point forward. “If we’re going to stay together”
Mentally, emotionally exhausted. Social life was already non existent but the little I was trying to build back on my own has been demolished. I don’t want to go downstairs to “talk” it’s just going to be him guilting me into staying, insulting me, throwing my abusive childhood at my face and then deciding himself that the “logical” next step is to delete all social media, no privacy, and have sex with him often like we used to in HS.
I haven’t gone downstairs at all, it’s been near 24 hours and I haven’t eaten or left the room. I don’t want to “talk.” I already have my brother coming on Thursday to take me back, I can’t just cancel, tell my mom she needs to break her lease, drop our childhood home, because I owe him.
I’m just so tired. I haven’t done sex work in quite some time because of his family. I can’t help that my parents aren’t born from here. I knew if I broke up first it would be used against me, so I took the coward approach of having an affair to feel intimacy. I need to leave on Thursday, but I know that when I do he will out me all over social media, and his dad will have 0 remorse in sexually harassing me again.
I’m not physically abused but I can’t leave without veiled threats. ••••••••••
Thank you for letting me vent.