u/Friendly-Bobcat-179

I (30F) moved in to my boyfriend's (33M) family home a few months ago. We were long distance before this. Our relationship has taken a downward spiral ever since my first day here. For starters, his toilet was in such an unsanitary state that I had to clean it for four hours just so it looked presentable, and that was on my second night here. Needless to say, he's not as clean as I thought he was. I've found old dog feces and cockroaches in corners of rooms that I've cleaned up (a few I told him to clean up if he happened to be in the room with me when I discovered them.) He's also not as hygienic as I thought he was, as I'd noticed some days he doesn't shower or brush his teeth. When I complain about any of these things, he's often defensive in response, but on occasion he does hold himself accountable. We've discussed these issues ad nauseum, and at this point, I'm too exhausted to care.

But one of the main issues that I cannot get past was from something that occurred about a month ago. While talking over the phone, I told him about a time I was SA'ed. Initially, he was supportive, he said "that's awful". He then followed up with: "I know an old friend who went through the exact same situation... actually hers was worse." I asked him if he was f#@king serious, and he doubled down and said "she was hospitalized." When I got past my disbelief, I raised my voice and told him that I couldn't believe he was comparing my trauma to another woman's and minimizing mine in the process. He was apologetic in this point, but I told him that I would talk to him later, I was too upset at the moment and hung up. He sent a few apologetic texts and I responded telling him how shocked I was at how poorly he handled my trauma story. He was incredibly remorseful that evening and the days that followed. I've forgiven him since then, but I don't think our relationship has fully recovered from that. I haven't been able to be sexually intimate with him at all, and to his credit, he's not once pressured or guilted me about that. Still, we're just not in a good place.

I told him bluntly a few weeks ago that I wasn't happy and laid out all the reasons why. I asked him how he felt and he said that I made him very happy, he was just tired of arguing.

A week later, I said that I wanted a break, laid out all the reasons I was unhappy yet again, and he got quiet for several minutes, then got on his phone. Frustrated, I said "I guess the conversation's over then." And he deflected, stating that I was petting the dog, as if that was the same as scrolling on my phone. When I called him out on the ridiculousness of that, he stormed off.

We've hardly talked since then. There was one day where he did four loads of laundry. The past few days I've been sick and he's been checking on me throughout the day and buying me medicine and cough drops. But aside from that, I've seen no effort or care or signals of fighting for the relationship from his end.

I know he's hurt, and I'm sure it's hard to hear complaints from your partner, but I feel like my frustrations are valid.

So reddit, is there any hope for this relationship? Am I not being patient enough? Am I being too patient? I just want to know the best course of action here from internet strangers and not just my mom and closest friends.

TLDR; My boyfriend has shown a different side of himself since I moved in with him. He lacks in hygiene habits and cleanliness and maturity. He also responded poorly to my SA story by comparing it to another woman's and saying that hers was worse than mine.

I (30F) moved in to my boyfriend's (32M) home a few months ago and a lot of his habits and behaviors since then have been very concerning for me. We've been together almost a year.

For one, he naps almost every day. Not just for one hour but several hours. I get off work five hours after he does and most days I come home he's still asleep. I recommended he talk to a Dr. about it, and he has, but they said it was 'normal'. However, he downplayed how frequently he naps by telling them it was only a few hours of napping 2x a week, which is not true. One time I woke him from a nap to make sure he at least ate dinner, and he stonewalled me for two days because he didn't go to bed the rest of the night and struggled to stay awake for work the next day and blamed me for that. I didn't know that was why he gave me the silent treatment until I confronted him about it two days after the fact. He does have sleep apnea and diabetes and is on medication, but I still believe he may have another underlying medical condition that leads him to sleep so much. He had told me that he loves napping in general, so there's that, I guess.

Also, he doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't brush his teeth or shower some days. This has made me less attracted to him and less affectionate, and I have told him this a handful of times. I'm not sure if the issue has improved at this point because I'm tired of asking if he'd brush his teeth that day or not and him getting annoyed that I asked, then saying that he hadn't brushed yet and was going to wait until after he ate. But then he'll eat and forget to brush.

Lastly, he's not been the best when it comes to cleanliness either. When I first moved in, I set aside four hours of my time to clean his toilet because of how unsanitary it was. In general, I do most of the cleaning, and on the occasion that I ask him to help me, he'll say yes then forget about it five minutes later.

He's also said some disrespectful and insensitive things to me that I'm not sure I can get past.

I feel more like his mom than his girlfriend at this point in the relationship. I told him last week that I wanted a break, and he hasn't really fought it.

We had been dating long distance until this point, so a lot of these behaviors of his I was unaware of until I moved in.

So, Reddit, any advice on this situation? I know there's a lot of moving parts, and I just don't know if I'm making something out of nothing or if maybe I'm not doing enough?