Caste Privileges, Religious Identity , Culture and Personal Morality
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For the last two months (since the day of Holi to be exact) I have been obsessively yet anxiously reading about the history of the caste system in India , the anti-caste movement and the current presence of caste in our surroundings . I also read about the great anti-caste leaders and social reformers such as Dr.Ambedkar , Mahatma Jyotibha Phule and Maa Savtribhai Phule .
During my research about this issue , I also read about the ambedkarite movement , the bahujan movement and the dravidian movement.
I also read "Annhilation of Caste" and a little bit of "Riddles in Hinduism" by Babasaheb Ambedkar and I have to say this that reading about caste system did popped this bubble of privilege which I lived in - for my entire life.
But here is my problem , I belong to a Brahmin-Hindu background (the same caste which created the caste system) and reading about the issue of caste not only makes me question my privileges and advantages but it also makes me extremely uncomfortable , paranoid , uneasy ,anxious, troubled and depressed about the very culture and religion in which I was born and brought up in.
Even though I am not very religious , I have a very special personal connection and warm memories associated with traditional Hindu festivals such as Holi ,Diwali , Rakshabandhan ,Navratri, Chahth Puja etc , but now after reading about Ambedkar's , Phule's and Periyar's thoughts about these cultural practices , rituals and festivals , I feel trapped and confused by this dilemma that should I celebrate these festivals and cultural practices or not ? Infact should I even practice this religion of Hinduism which propogated casteism through its scriptures? Will celebrating Hindu festivals make me immoral or casteist ? Are the mythological stories which were told to me by my mother and grandmother when I was a child - are they not moral? Should I go to temples or not because the priest sitting inside the temple is very probably a devout supporter of the caste system ? Am I even indigenous to this land of India since Phule argued that Brahmins are the successors of Aryan Invaders ? Will eradicating the caste system automatically eradicate the entire religion and culture which I belong to? Is this religion of Hinduism inhumane ? And because I follow this religion - does that make me inhumane and immoral?
These questions have been worrying me and troubling me since the last 2.5 months. I have been obsessively overthinking , doom scrolling and doom surfing on the internet about this and I feel guilty ,scared , paranoid, disappointed ,sad and depressed. I don't feel like leaving my bed when I wake up in the morning and am unable to sleep at night. I am unable to sit alone as these thoughts completely take over my mind- that's why I always have to distract myself.
This paranoia has even started to affect my studies - as I spend my entire day thinking about these questions . My college attendance got so low because there were days when I woke up in the morning - I used to just stay in the bed with my eyes staring the ceiling , my body lying on the bed lifeless like a corpse and my mind depressed and troubled.
And honestly I have started to feel disgusted by hinduism and I don't say it out of hatred or hinduphobia but I say it out of a "spiritual backstab" or an "emotional betrayal" which hinduism did to me via the caste system because trust me - there was a time when I was an devout follower .
Don't know what to do