u/Friendly_Ad_7503

My dog died just 16 days ago but it feels like a thousand years since then. I cried so much the first week. The first time I did anything was difficult. The first long drive, the first time even doing dishes or cooking something and knowing it was the first time without him. But after that first week its like I only will cry here and there, but my dog is always on my mind. Like its hard to not constantly be thinking of him in various ways but its like I am having to still do things like work or my responsibilities. When I watch a funny show or talk with friends or family and I laugh at a joke or whatever I immediately feel a sense of guilt that I'm able to laugh when the dog i claim to be my bestest friend has died. Like a sudden wave of guilt makes me reel in any happiness for anything and remember that I shouldn't have that. What if my precious dog wasn't as ingrained into me as I think and we were more just like roommates rather than two souls sharing a strong bond. Do I really even have the right to call him my soul dog when so many times I neglected him? So many times we could have gone places and we just stayed home. I wanted to give him the best life and at first I really did but the second half of his life I should have done more for him so much more. And now thats why I'm able to just move on so much quicker than I want to. Because we didn't have the bond I claim and it was all a farse I told myself. I wish he was here and I could tell him how much i miss him and how much I love him and how sorry I am for picking him from the litter with his brothers because he deserved so much more than me

My dog recently was euthanized and the guilt from everything is getting to be heavier and heavier. My dog was named Diogi, he was a border collie/golden retriever and was 13 years, 8 months, 2 weeks, and one day when he died. He was totally fine no issues at all and then he suddenly was acting weird and it just immediately took him to an emergency veterinary clinic where the doctor there informed me Diogi had a large mass growing either on his splein or his liver and she couldn't quite determine at that point. The surgery to remove his splein or I guess section of liver was going to be $7,000-$10,000 and there was just a lot of variables that could influence it. She said it most likely was hemangiosarcoma, which was the first time I heard that word ever in my life and now its all I think about. She said if Diogi wouldnt have that surgery he was going to die and that she gave him a dose of methadone that would prevent any pain he was having at the moment. She said Diogi was currently in shock, he was currently anemic, his pulse is weak, his blood pressure was about 30 points below where it should be, but his red blood cells count was 55 which is still pretty good. If it was hemangiosarcoma he would have 2-6 months assuming the surgery went well.

I had to decide everything right then and everything was just piling on and i didn't understand how this happened because Diogi had always been in such good health. He walked regularly, he ate well, i was giving him things for his joints because he had started limping a little but he was 13. I mean i really think he was fine and they were exaggerating. I will say the doctor told me the reason he was seeming so much more stable at the vet was because of the methadone and the iv they gave him. But I asked about just taking him home but she said he would probably die that night or very soon and once that methadone wore off he was going to be in a lot of pain..she said the mass had grown so much it was pushing on his other organs. I didn't want Diogi to die in surgery, or if the surgery went well and then he has to recover but only have a few months of just pain as cancer slowly killed him. I worried about him being somewhere while I was at work and him dying alone and scared.

So I did end up doing euthanasia but what if he could have been fine? I don't know if it was the right thing and I feel like i killed my bestest friend in the entire world. He was licking my tears away from my face, that was the last thing he did. I hugged him and held on to him just saying I'm sorry as the vet gave the injections. I'll always remember his paw just falling off my arm and knowing at that moment he was gone. It could have been benign. I don't know if I should have done the surgery I just don't know what I should have done. Should I have never taken him there? Would he still be alive? He was my best friend and he was always there ALWAYS and I returned the favor by ending his life. I miss him so much and nobody understands. People tell me I should just get another dog, and I'm gonna start saying that shit when someone dies in their life. When their fucking son dies I'll tell them "just have another one, whats the big deal". I hate this world without Diogi, its like nothing stops and I just want to see him i don't care about work or anything. I would give anything to hug Diogi and be with him