u/Friendly_Alfalfa_930

We knew each other for 12 years. He passed away almost a year ago. Because of his severe schizoid and cognitive issues, he stopped working, though he used to be a psychologist who also studied psychopharmacology. We lived in countries that were very far apart, so we only met a few times. We used to be really close, and he was actually the first person who told me I might be schizoid. in fact, he was sure about it

Ten years ago, he told me he thought he might have developed feelings for me, though he wasn’t sure because he had never felt that way before, both physical attraction and a sense of feeling deeply connected and understood. I felt the same way at the time, but long story short, I ended up marrying someone else. I don’t know… ever since the beginning, I simultaneously wanted to be close to him and also run away from him. So I came to the conclusion that there was no way we could be together, or maybe that I simply didn’t like him in that way. Still, we remained close friends for the next decade.

A few months before he died, while we were both drunk, I found out he still had feelings for me. The feelings had never gone away since the first time he told me in 2016. Again, he didn’t really know what it actually meant because this was something he had never experienced or dealt with before. He was only sure that what he felt was more than friendship.

I genuinely didn’t expect it because he had always been supportive of both me and my husband. But he also admitted that he felt hurt every time I mentioned my husband, though he never wanted to come between us. To give him closure, I told him my feelings could no longer be the same as they were in 2016 because I was in a committed relationship with my spouse. I explained that, for multiple reasons, not going beyond friendship was the only way I felt I could preserve what we had. That was why I never pursued the relationship back then. But I also admitted that he always had a special place in my mind, and that he meant a lot to me.

He died almost a year ago, but I still can’t process his death, mainly for these three reasons:

1)I feel guilty, according to one of his friends, there was another woman who liked him. I keep thinking that maybe, if he had been given the chance, things could have been different. Deep down, I know he craved connection and felt lonely, despite being schizoid. having SPD made him feel that connection itself was poisonous at the same time. I just feel guilty that the person he happened to have feelings for was me, someone who couldn't give him that kind of relationship. It’s hard to explain, but meaningful connection was already so rare for him, and somehow the one person he could imagine being with was someone unavailable. That thought stays with me.

2. He always said he wanted to become a psychologist because he wanted to contribute something meaningful to the world, especially in helping people who often feel unheard and misunderstood. But because of his mental health problems, his abilities went to waste, and he couldn’t work anymore. After knowing him for 12 years, I genuinely believe he was one of the most capable psychologists I’ve ever met. more knowledgeable than most psych in my country, honestly better than any psych I’ve personally encountered. So there’s this feeling I can’t fully explain. Maybe pity, or something else entirely idk.

3. Without a doubt, I also lost someone deeply important to me like how hard it is to find someone in real life who truly understands you, because most average people or nons simply won’t understand these kinds of experiences (mostly schizoid's experiences, like existential dread, intellectualization, anhedonia, avolition, chronic emptiness from being observer, the split, and so on)

(my husband knew he meant a lot to me. He knew this person was a very precious friend in my life)

He was also the one who once suggested that I make a Reddit account and read posts to better understand my own issues. I tried, but it’s not easy. I always end up deleting my posts, even though I’m anonymous here.

On top of that, ever since my psychiatrist removed my SPD diagnosis (maybe some of you remember my thread from not long ago), it’s made me even more reluctant to post here.

Maybe I’ll delete this one too but if I do, I still genuinely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and share their thoughts, because honestly, I don’t even know what I’m really asking or what I’m supposed to do. but it's just that this is the kind of thing that people around me probably wouldn’t understand and I don’t bother trying to explain it to them, maybe i need some perspective, and I apologize if the story is messy, because it's hard to explain. but i've tried to explain it as best as i can, thank you

are you secretive? in what way? do you literally keep a lot of secrets or do you not necessarily have secrets but are just obsessive about withholding information and things like that? or both? ...or maybe something else?

I’ve been getting treatment from this psychiatrist for a year, mainly to treat my lack of drive and low motivation to do things, along with my comorbid anxiety disorder (ocd)

Last year, SPD was written on my diagnostic report, but after that it was never mentioned again. I never asked her why, but coincidentally during my last appointment she said that I lean more toward a schizoid personality style (the healthier version) rather than a disorder.

Her reasoning was that I can still laugh, meaning I still have emotions. I also have 1–2 people I’m reasonably 'close' to, and I can experience anxiety because, according to her, schizoids cannot be anxious. She also said that I’m still bothered and upset by my anhedonia and lack of drive. (honestly, she may have a point, because what she said is true, i do have emotions deep down, they just feel distant)

It’s safe to say that I’m not really asking whether or not what my psychiatrist specifically said about me that I only have a personality style rather than a disorder is correct, because eventhough my schizoid-psychologist friend has always said he was damn sure I had SPD, I never really clung to the label and it's also kind of reassuring not to have a “disorder,” right? lol. although yeah, it does leave me confused about where the source of my problems actually comes from, because I’ve always struggled between feeling 'fine' and 'not fine'...

for example, there’s the split between my inner self and outer self, the constant contradictions, and feeling disconnected from people around me because I feel more like an observer than a participant. I also tend to search for meaning in life internally rather than externally, plus the lack of drive and motivation. I thought those things weren’t supposed to count as 'suffering' because I don’t feel depressed, suicidal, or anything like that. So from the beginning I was always in a dilemma about whether I should even go to a psychiatrist or not. But in the end, I decided to go because my functioning had noticeably declined over the years.

So what I actually want to ask is: at the end of the day, is ' real SPD' understood more through the DSM framework (because what my psychiatrist showed me about SPD was very DSM-like), rather than through psychoanalytic theory?

I was going to make a poll earlier but for some reason I couldn’t so I’ll just type it out manually lol

If you had the chance to press a button to get rid of SPD right now, which option would you choose?

1. Yes, absolutely. I want to change everything about myself. having SPD sucks.

2. No, this is who I am, and I’m perfectly fine the way I am

3. Maybe SPD is a mix of good and bad. It would be ideal if I could remove things like anhedonia, avolition, etc. in other words, just reduce the negative aspects

And another question, if you feel like answering: If you ever fantasize about your job, what kind of job would you want to have (if you don’t have to put in any effort)

My own answers:

for the first question: definitely #3, honestly.

for the second: a stylish, virtuoso classical pianist who also develops RPG games..