Partner said he wasn’t ready after the fact, wants to close our relationship, and become friends… but I’m confused.
I (22 W pansexual) and my partner (26 M straight) have been in a relationship for 3 years. I’ve always been open about my sexuality, and he’s always been accepting of me. I’ve been with him since I was 18, and I can feel my outlook on relationships changing.
Back in November, I was finally comfortable enough to express my want for an open relationship because I have a desire for being intimate with women, and he was open to it. We started talking about it, but weren’t too sure about how to properly place parameters. This is where I should’ve known he wasn’t ready. I kept asking him questions about boundaries and his expectations, but he couldn’t give me a clear answer on either. He kept saying he would see how he felt after something flirtatious or sexual happened, so I believed him. As for my own boundaries, I don’t care if he sleeps with other people I just want him to be honest with me and continue treating me like he has been.
Over the next few months, I flirted with a girl and told him after and he said it didn’t make him feel negative so that’s ok. I kissed a girl and told him after and he said that didn’t make him feel negative either. Back in May, I finally had my first sexual encounter with a woman that made me feel so empowered in my sexuality and in myself. The encounter wasn’t planned at all, but I told him the morning after it happened and his reaction was not was I was expecting. He said he felt betrayed and disrespected that I didn’t tell him I was going to have sex with her before it happened. I felt so destroyed because I didn’t think he’d feel hurt this way. He said he felt cheated on and like I chose someone else over him but I thought our conversations before was reassurance on our relationship being ok even if we explored other people. I didn’t do it in secret, I didn’t deliberately keep it from him. I told him immediately after because I thought that was the right thing to do.
His reaction confused me because he didn’t tell me he wanted our communication to be “ask for permission before having sex”. I was under the assumption that our conversation would be like the ones before. I thought the “we’ll see how we feel after it happens” applied to sex too, but I guess I was mistaken. If I 100% knew that was what he wanted me to do, I would’ve done it. Now I feel stuck with this guilt of losing his trust and making him feel betrayed.
Another month went by with us trying to talk through our emotions until yesterday. He told me he thinks he can work through it better if we become platonic friends to preserve our relationship, that way I can be free to explore myself. I asked him does that mean we’ll still have the label of being romantic partners and he said yes…
Does he want us to be platonic friends and romantic partners at the same time? Isn’t that the dynamic we already have? Maybe he just needs time and space? I’m so confused on what he really wants. Can anyone else relate to this situation?