u/Friendofthesubreddit

Last October, I stepped over a gate,
and my left knee locked -
sudden, excruciating pain.
Almost unbearable at first,
then fading like a bruise into the ordinary.

November arrived with a quiet oddity:
the bottoms of my feet ached when I walked.
On again, off again.
A warning I mistook for nothing.

Early December: the first hours of morning
began with ankles frozen stiff.
So this is what it feels like, I thought,
to begin the slow tilt toward getting old.

Then came Christmas morning.
I woke up and could not walk.

My knees felt like glass ready to snap.
My ankles and feet had fused into one swollen,
purple, hot thing -
skin stretched tight over limbs
I no longer recognized as mine.
My feet throbbed as if someone had taken a bat to them.

I was afraid.

Weeks later, after vials of blood and sheets of X-rays,
they gave my enemy a name: autoimmune disease.
My enemy was me.

It has been lonely.
Sometimes I feel cheated.
Sometimes I feel not believed.
The rheumatologist’s office swallows my words.
Many days, I miss my old life—
the one I walked through without thinking.

I’ve felt deeply held by Ren’s music for years,
but I never imagined our souls would meet in this way.
I never dreamed of being forced into this club
whose membership I never wanted.

Just recently, they named it again: psoriatic arthritis.
The name sounds so small.
You’re just getting old.
But it’s not.
It’s a demon that has seeped into my bones,
my joints, my muscles, my chest.
The merry-go-round of medications has begun.
My body has become a science experiment.

What I want to say is this:
it’s become more than just love of Ren’s music,
his artistry, the deep emotional connection
he provides for those whose lives he touches.
His words have become a companion in the dark.

I hope to find acceptance for where I am.
I hope to let go.
I hope to wield a great light.
In the meantime, I am thankful to Ren
for justifying my pain.
.