Transgender direct report is getting misgendered and calling me transphobic, and blaming the victim
Preface: these are all made up names, and I am not trying to get political at all with this. Just need some guidance on what I could have done better.
I have been managing a mid size team, for close to a year now. One member of the team, let call him John, is very professional, polite, and a great worker. Another member of the team, Sam, is a solid worker. They are fresh out of school, and eager to learn.
A couple of weeks ago, Sam pulls me and the HR director into the conference room. Sam indicated that they recently came to the conclusion that they are transgendered. HR took reigns of the conversation offering support, guidance through our EAP platform, and the typical HR jargon. Towards the end of the conversation Sam indicated that they are still figuring things out, and would prefer to keep this between us 3 for now. HR and I both agreed, and asked Sam to tell us if anything happens or if we can make Sam more comfortable. Sam said thanks, and that was that.
Few weeks go by (this is last Wednesday now), and Sam requested a meeting with me. Sam indicated that John repeatedly misgendered them. The context was John had repeatedly said Sir/Ma'am, instead of Ma'am/Sir. I asked Sam to hold that thought, while I got the HR director from the previous meeting. Unfortunately, they we unavailable, but indicated they were confident that I could handle the situation. I went back to Sam, and asked if Sam minded if I recorded the meeting for HR. Sam said it was ok to record (I even have Sam on the recording saying it was ok), and we proceed.
I asked if Sam had indicated to John that they were transgender, or put forth anything, like updating an email address with the proper pronouns, that would indicate they were the other gender. Sam said no, and I responded with: "Hey that sucks that John is doing that, but unless you make it known to him that you are transgender, there isn't anything I can do. You indicated to keep this private, and I have been. If would like to have a meeting with the team to announce this, I am more than happy to factor this into our monthly department meeting or schedule a separate meeting for you to announce this." Sam said they'd think on it, and that was that. Sent the audio to the HR director and the HR director said I handled it well.
Now I get a meeting on my calendar with HR to discuss the meeting. Apparently I was being transphobic, not supportive, and victim blaming. HR has my back, and will be discussing how to navigate around this. I don't feel like I was being a dick or anything, and was respecting Sam's initial request, but part of me feels like I did something wrong. Was I too dismissive of the complaint? Should I talk to John about it? Should I have put a pin in the conversation until HR was available? How should I have been more supporting if they indicated they would like to keep it to themselves?