Day 45 Update
I kept trying to post this on my phone to someone else's post; but I just realized they deleted the post.
Anyways, day 45 and it's going pretty well for me overall; but a few caveats and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this or can relate.
A lot of my habitual use since age 17 (I'm 34 now) was to disassociate. It kind of snowballed and kept going as I never stopped long enough to process through why I was disassociating. I have come full circle to realize I was put in an impossible position as a kid (emotionally immature parents; not the point of this post).
I think what I am going through now is a fear; but this fear instead is fear of the CALM of being in CONTROL of my vessel as I navigate the ocean of life. The freedom is scary, somewhat monotonous and I feel a bit adrift.
The first month or so of abstinence was more what I was used to; a raging tsunami of emotions (from childhood I was used to being the emotional waste basket for my parents) unprocessed. That pulsating; glaring emotional feeling is what I'm used to.
Now; it's a dull and boring calm. Which I know is what perhaps I need to get used to, but it's so new to me. I almost can feel the temptation to grab the live wire; or step barefoot on the third rail, simply because this is what I grew accustomed to.
But this awareness is helpful, and I will be able to navigate once again to sandy shores.
Thanks for listening if you've made it this far, and for those early on in the journey, it gets better.