u/Friskris9

I’m 23, and around a year ago I started seriously wondering whether I might be autistic, or at least neurodivergent in some way. I know I obviously can’t diagnose myself through internet research alone, but I’d at least like to know if it’s a path worth exploring, or if there’s a higher chance it’s “just” social anxiety in my case.

This post is probably gonna be long, so thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read it.

I’ve pretty much always felt different from other people, whether it was because of my interests, the way I think about certain things, or just the way I act in some situations. I’ve also often had people jokingly call me “weird” or even say I “seem autistic”, but I never took it seriously because most of them have a stereotypical view of autism and aren’t even autistic themselves.

One of the biggest struggles in my life is that I constantly live with what I believe is really strong social anxiety, probably generalized anxiety too. I can’t exactly pinpoint when it started, but I know it was during childhood, and it’s only gotten worse over time. As a kid I was already really shy and fearful, and I’d always stay close to my mom in new situations or when visiting people I didn’t know well, even family members. Around age 9 I was also the only kid in my class who refused to go on a school trip because the idea of spending several days away from home and my parents, in a completely unfamiliar environment, felt impossible to me.

I was bullied in kindergarten too. Two kids used to hit me during recess. I also remember crying under a slide because nobody wanted to play with me. I wouldn’t say the bullying traumatized me or anything, and I even ended up becoming friends with one of the kids later on, but looking back maybe that’s when I first started feeling “different”.

As for the social anxiety itself, I always tried to function normally and ignored it because I thought I was just shy. But now even simple things are extremely difficult for me if I’m alone in public. Stuff most people do automatically, like buying bread, pressing the bus stop button, eating in public, making phone calls, going through checkout at a store, or even just walking through a crowd, all require conscious effort from me. (If I’m with a friend though, I feel much more comfortable doing those things.)

Whenever I talk to someone I’m not close with, I constantly think about whether what I’m saying sounds normal, whether my facial expressions look right, whether my hands are positioned correctly, whether I’ve avoided eye contact for too long, etc. I also rehearse conversations in my head beforehand, and after interactions I ruminate a lot if I think I acted awkwardly. Sometimes I’ll still think about embarrassing interactions months later.

Even with some close friends, I sometimes feel like I’m “performing” to avoid offending them somehow. Like forcing myself to make more eye contact, adjusting my tone so I don’t sound monotone or uninterested, then wondering mid-conversation why I even have to consciously think about these things around people who supposedly accept me as I am. I also overthink constantly. Like if a friend reads my message and doesn’t reply, my first thought is usually “did I say something wrong?” or “are they mad at me?”, only to realize later they just forgot to answer.

The thing that really made me question my functioning was an internship I had to do during my final year of university. I worked as an administrative assistant for a small organization. The internship was only 10 minutes from my house, my supervisor was nice enough, and my schedule was decent, but despite all that it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I constantly had to register new clients, answer phone calls, and interact with coworkers.

For one month I was alone in the office because my supervisor was absent, and I liked keeping the lights off and the curtains closed because I prefer darker environments. One day a coworker walked in and joked like: “Why is it so dark in here? Are you a vampire or something?” Then he opened the curtains and said: “Better like this, right?” I laughed awkwardly, but internally I just felt exhausted. It genuinely felt like yet another moment where I had to force myself to act “normal”, when all I actually wanted to ask was why he cared about what I was doing in an office that wasn’t his.

I’ve always had a messed up sleep schedule since my teenage years, but this internship made it worse because every night I’d dread having to wake up and go there again the next day. I couldn’t even enjoy my evenings because I was already mentally exhausted. Sometimes after work I’d get home so drained that I’d literally lie on the floor near my front door for 20 minutes before even changing clothes or showering.

After that I also worked for less than a month as a school activity leader for kids, and that was even worse. I felt like I had to “act normal” constantly. I was slow, and sometimes people had to directly tell me to do obvious things like serving food to the kids. One coworker literally refused to work in a duo with me when our boss suggested it, and I laughed to not make the moment awkward.

I also hated the fact that I wasn’t always in the same school. Sometimes they’d send me to one place in the morning and another school across town a few hours later. Having to constantly adapt to new places and new people was exhausting. (I also have a terrible sense of direction, so I was scared of getting lost in the buildings whenever people asked me to go somewhere.)

Whenever I talk about this stuff with friends they think I’m exaggerating or just lazy, but these situations genuinely drain me. At this point I honestly don’t think I could ever handle a normal 9-5 long term. I’d rather make less money and work independently.

It’s also been two years since I finished my studies, and I still can’t bring myself to work. Just thinking about it stresses me out. My friends call me lazy and say I’m acting like a child who doesn’t want to grow up.

I also wanna talk about my interests because I sometimes wonder if they count as “special interests”. The interests themselves aren’t unusual, but it’s the intensity of them that makes me relate to autistic people sometimes.

I’ve always been into anime/manga and video games like a lot of people my age. I draw, write (used to write long analyses of media, recently started writing fiction and pseudo-philosophical essays), edit videos, and recently got into street photography. I also wanna learn sewing and make clothes because fashion has become a huge interest for me over the last few years, and I see clothing as a form of artistic expression.

I’ve always felt extremely emotionally attached to my favorite media and felt this need to explore them deeply and talk about them exhaustively. For example, I got into Undertale a while ago and since then I’ve drawn fanart, watched multi-hour lore/theory videos, watched streamers react to the game, listened to the OST on loop constantly, made 5 different friends play the game, and always tried to find excuses to talk about it.

As a kid I was what people would call a “weird kid”. I used to cut paper into claws to look like Naruto characters, style my hair like fictional characters, etc. I was also obsessed with Iron Man and spent entire days researching his armors, drawing them, and trying to recreate them IRL with random materials.

Around age 12, one of my favorite Inazuma Eleven characters had DID/multiple personalities, and I got so fascinated by it that I spent hours researching the disorder, watching videos about it, and talking about it with my friends at school. I was also super into Yu-Gi-Oh. I played duels, watched the anime, collected cards, and even started designing my own card game with a friend.

I’ve always struggled to understand people who don’t really have passions, or people who like something casually but get bored if you talk about it beyond surface level.

Some additional points that could maybe support or go against the autism possibility:

• I don’t know if it counts as stimming, but I shake my leg constantly, rock back and forth on chairs a lot, tap rhythms with my fingers when thinking/concentrating, and I also do the “dino arms” thing pretty often.
• I don’t think I struggle much with sarcasm or irony. Sometimes I miss it, but I think that happens to everyone.
• I don’t think I have major sensory issues. I dislike loud noise, but not more than the average person I think. The only weird thing is that I really dislike being barefoot indoors and always wear socks. I’m also weirdly bothered by strong warm/yellow lighting lately, but idk if that’s actually sensory-related.
• I don’t really have strict routines except my morning routine. I have to go to the bathroom before showering, otherwise I feel irritated. I also prefer doing certain things the same way every time. For example I often take the same routes repeatedly even when they’re longer.
• I replay the same songs or even the same parts of songs over and over again for hours.
• This probably sounds dumb, but ever since I was a kid I’ve really liked candy/sweets, and I still use them as a mood regulation thing. Like if I know I’m gonna draw, game, or do something that requires concentration and good mood, I’ll often buy candy beforehand.
• I also do have several really close friends and socialize somewhat regularly despite being extremely introverted/homebody-ish. (I know autistic people can have friends obviously, just mentioning it anyway).
• I hate when an appointment or some unexpected plan suddenly disrupts my week. Unless it’s something I already wanted to do, I usually need time to mentally prepare myself before going out, but I sometimes force myself to go anyway so I don’t disappoint my friends.
• I don't have any issue with abstract thinking or abstract ideas, and I actually prefer writing about abstract concepts (except for maths, which Im really bad at).

I think that’s pretty much everything. I’ve spent an insane amount of time reading articles, watching videos from specialists, and listening to autistic people’s experiences, but I still can’t tell whether pursuing an official diagnosis would actually be worth it or if I’m just overthinking everything.

(I also know that childhood is a key part of diagnosing autism, but I honestly don’t remember all of my childhood. And sometimes I behaved in ways that seem to go against everything I said above, I could often seem pretty normal, joke around, chat in class, etc.)