u/Fritteejunk

For context: Me and my bf were broken up for five months and have now started dating again for a month.

Last night, my bf told me that I said something a week ago that bothered him. Apparently (I don’t remember saying this at all) I told him that when I was on Hinge, I was “looking for something better” and he took it as “i was looking for something better than him.” Now I have no clue what the context of me saying that was, but I know for a fact that I would NEVER say that to his face, saying I was looking for better than him.

He also brought up how he was scared of being the option i resorted back to once i went on a date that didn’t go well and that’s the only reason I’m back with him.

Now, i know for a fact that is not true. I could not stop thinking about him the entire time we were broken up (is that healthy? no but it’s true) and I was still so attracted to him.

Again for context, I have a really hard time being up front and honest with him about things I’d rather sugar coat so I was really trying to be honest about how I felt while I said this to him. I told him that although I was attracted to those guys at the time, I never compared his attractiveness to theirs. I told him all I could do was think about him even while I was talking with them.

I think my honesty made things so much worse. He really struggles with feeling insecure about his appearance and he just wanted to hear that he’s more attractive than the guys I talked to. The thing is, is that if I tried to say that he was more attractive than the guys I talked to, I know he’d make it clear that he doesn’t believe me or that i’m glazing him. I’m with my boyfriend for a reason. He is so hot and in comparison to the guys I talked to, they have nothing on him. I just feel like when I say that out loud, it’ll sound like I’m lying because I’m awful at figuring out what tone of voice i should use and I end up over-doing things and making myself sound like I don’t even believe what I’m saying.

I know what I said about the guys was upsetting to hear, and every time I speak, I feel like I say something that ruins his self esteem even more. It feels like something is wrong with me, like whatever words I say, it makes people upset. I’m so tired of feeling like I just make people who i care about feel like shit.

tl;dr I (19F) made my (20M) bf feel insecure by telling him that I was attracted to the guys I talked to while we were broken up.

Context: me and my boyfriend dated for a year and a half, i broke up with him and went no contact for five months, i reached back out to him and now we’ve been dating again for a month.

My boyfriend recently told me that about a month after we broke up, he found out through his friend (the bf of my friend) that i had aired out some negative things about him during a gathering with some girl friends. My boyfriend got a very twisted version of what I had said about him, but I had in fact talked about those topics when talking about our breakup.

Not to make excuses but for context, it was only two weeks after the breakup that I said those things and with the addition of alcohol, all of what i said was emotionally charged. it was incredibly immature and naive of me to tell friends — who are known to be gossip spreaders— other than my family and best friends, and not expect things to get back to my bf.

Now that we’re back together, he feels like he can’t trust me when i hang out with friends because he feels that I’m going to be saying things about him. He says he has a sinking feeling that I’m going to say bad things about him to my friends and not tell him when he asks me. He is also just disappointed with me that I handled our breakup so immaturely when I know for a fact he only told people good things about me when asked about our breakup.

He has every right to feel this way. Unfortunately, I have some really bad traits including selfishness and I have a really hard time confronting bad decisions I made. I also have a really bad habit of being secretive even when I don’t need to be, and it makes me look so guilty when I hide things that aren’t even bad. When I’m called out for something I do, I immediately sugar coat it, try to justify it, and I end up making the issue so much bigger when I finally get a full truth pulled out of me.

Examples:

1. My bf asked me what I talked about with guys from hinge during our break up. I was already being vague, not that I did anything bad, but because i wanted to preserve the image he has of me. He asked me three times if I gave any of the guys compliments before I finally told him yes. He was more hurt at the fact that it took so long to get the truth out of me than the fact I gave them compliments. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to admit that. He was so brutally honest with me about what he did with girls when we were broken up and I still felt like I couldn’t tell him every detail he asked for.

2. When we first dated, he went on my reddit to look at my account and found a post that i didn’t remember making from over two years ago. being the absolute idiot and secretive person that i am, i snatched my phone from him to see what i had written before he could see. i was so worried it was something i had written about him (it was, but it was before we were even dating and when i had a crush on him). when he asked me what the post was, i asked him “what post?” and pretended i didn’t see it. (IDIOT) i gave the phone back to him once i read over the post but he was so suspicious after that (rightfully so) because of my immediate reaction and the fact that i had lied about not seeing the post.

I’m just wondering, how can I regain his trust when I do stupid shit like that for no reason. I don’t know why I act so secretive over things I don’t need to be, and I don’t know why I always try to hide information when all he wants is the truth. for some reason, my dumb brain thinks that lying or leaving out information will be better in the long run than having someone be mad at me for a little bit. i’m so in love with him, he means so much to me, and i truly am so committed to him but he doesn’t deserve someone who struggles so much with being honest. I want to change for him and myself so so so badly.

I’ve asked him multiple times if he wants to break up with me and he says no. I know he loves me, and I love him too but I hate making him feel this way, and I just want him to be happy even if that’s with or without me. I know it’ll take time to regain his trust and I can only do that through actions, not words, but I really need some advice on how I can change this really shitty trait about myself.

I’ve made some decisions to avoid hanging out with those girls or drinking/smoking around them so I’m not in a position to overshare information which I think is a good step forward, but how else can I regain his trust when he already struggles getting straight answers from me?

please help 😭

tl;dr i (19F) struggle with being fully honest and it’s making it harder for my bf (20 M) to trust me after he found out things during our breakup.