u/Froggymnx

Hey friends, I'm feeling really sad and need to vent to someone. I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. Over the years I've lost friendships due to being held back in 8th grade, going to a different high-school than everyone else from both of my middleschools went to(to avoid embarrassment), then I went to a sort of homeschooling program so slowly lost all my new friends from high-school, then in my later teen years / really early 20s I lost the last bit of my friends over addiction. About 2 years ago I moved away from my hometown and cut off everyone from it to escape past trauma and addiction. 6 months after the move I became chronically ill so I never really even got a chance to make new friends after moving. About a hour ago I saw a super old friend/ sorta situation-ship post to his IG story. I went to take a look out of curiosity as he NEVER posts and we were never on bad terms, just kinda drifted away from the high-school thing. I got curious about other people I went to middle school with so I started going through his following and seeing a lot of people I knew. I looked at a lot of their profiles, most were private and I don't follow them. (I don't blame them all my stuff is private too) from what I could see in their PFPs, BIOs, and some public profiles so many of them are married or engaged, living with their significant other, and have or having kids. I'm sitting here alone at 12am, living with my mom in the middle of nowhere, no significant other, no friends, no kids, and beating myself up. It's not fair, why has life turned out this way for me? Why do all the people who bullied me or didn't like me get to live these amazing lives, grow up and move out, start a family of their own and this is what I get? I know I've fucked up in life but I don't think being disabled and alone for the rest of my life is a fair price to pay. It's so upsetting to see my peers living their best life while I have nothing to show for mine. Every single day I'm fighting hand, tooth, and nail just to exist. I'm not even surviving anymore, its so hard to even exist. I'm sick of being alone and SO sick of chronic illness. Anytime I try to talk to my mom about it she always says something like "well this isn't forever" BUT IT IS. Chronic means chronic, not I'll get better in a few months or years. I just find it so hard to keep on living being sick and knowing this is the rest of my life, and seeing people who did me wrong get to enjoy life. How do I keep moving forward??