is it ok when your friend/fp says they don't care
they told how they give me too much attention, i'm too attached, that i take them for granted and say they don't care every time i ask/talk about things that's worrying me, i understand my bpd making me overthink that they don't want my presence or they hate me, or i did something wrong, it's always goes to the worst scenario. i didn't get any positive comments (you're good/ i like you, even when i asked directly is there's anything in me that make you want to spend time with me it was only 'idc') only rude or passive ones (it's not that deep, i warned you) and i tried to fix everything they were talking about because i care and they're my fp. we had conflicts where i felt very bad and was ready for impact of leaving but they never did and somehow i felt at peace at the end? 'i'm used to suffer so it's ok just please don't abandon me' ig
i told them i feel guilty every time attention topic arise but they keep saying it, despite this they still answer my dms and sometimes invite to do activities together when i asked why they said they're about to watch stuff anyway. they also mentioned they think it will be good for me to find someone else to talk with.
i said i have bpd but i don't think they cared to read about it, but i mentioned i tried to kms and self harm too. i feel like i was too vulnerable, said too much because in comparison to them they barely say anything they feel. it feels even worse because i saw them with their irl friends and they have much more fun and connection, they spend much more time together too.
i don't understand mixed signals, i never had friends that cared as much for me as i did for them, is it normal to not care about each other? is it how friendship works? if i didn't have bpd i wouldn't care? and ofc what i even do, i tried to resolve it but it doesn't lead to anything. i wish to ignore them but i have unstoppable desire to be included or write them