Why do I feel like this?
Let me start by saying that you may find this really cringeworthy or even pathetic. I want you to know that I can't help it, and I don't know why I'm like this. If I could.
I'm 16 years old. Female. I had a stable enough upbringing, apart from a few times where I really thought my parents were going to destroy the entire family. My mom is a cheater and has a victim complex which she refuses to acknowledge. My father is the product of two people who hate each other with a passion. He had a rough upbringing, which resulted in him behaving as he does now. He is around, but only physically. He rarely talks to me and if he does it often results in an argument. I view him more as a benefactor than an actual father, he's there to benefit me.
There are a few blurred childhood memories in which I remember him touching me inappropriately or doing stuff that was just plain weird. One of these memories consists of us playing with horses. He insisted on his horse mating with mine. I was young, maybe 5 or 6 at the time, too young to understand what he was doing.
I also have a sister, 12 and a half years older than me. When I was young we didn't really talk much, we never formed a bond. Now, I'm 16 and she's turning 29 later this year. I can tell she wants to form a connection, but I just can't be bothered to try. The age difference is too big and she's become a person I only see once or twice a month. Sometimes it irritates me. I feel like siblings are crucial for social development, they are a lesson in life. To me, it is devastating to have a sibling who feels like a stranger.
That's the long story short of my childhood.
As of now, I'm confused about life itself and the emotions I and others feel.
I am in this constant state of boredom, accompanied by a vicious need to feel something more. I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out. Not to sound corny, but I genuinely feel like I'm harvesting this dark entity that's slowly taking over my life.
It's been especially bad over the last year or so. The catalyst wasn't high school or puberty or anything of that sort that sort— although I do acknowledge that some of my feelings could and should be attributed to puberty.
As I said, over the past year I've gotten worse than ever. My grades dropped. I know I should care enough to try and study even a little, but I just don't. I don't care how my life turns out and I don't care how much it saddens my mother that her A student is now getting Fs or Ds. I started smoking. Cigarettes, vapes, yarts... anything is on the table. I don't know at what point the smoke going into my lungs stopped burning. I didn't do it out of rebellion or anything like that. I started because I wanted to. Also, I admire people who look cool while smoking.
And the most troubling realization by far has been noticing that I have no true sense of self. I feel like I'm a shell of a human being with a missing core. When I watch a movie or read a book and a character stands out to me, I will take their core and place it into my shell. By doing that, I managed to get my grades up because I watched Gilmore Girls. But this is a double-edged sword. I also admire horrible characters, murderers, psychopaths and evil humans. By adapting their core, I become even more horrible than I already am. My recent muse had been Kevin from the movie "We Need to Talk About Kevin". I cleaned my room because his was sterile. I began to act like him, talk like him. I manage to lose myself a little more every time I find another character that fascinates me.
As I had previously mentioned, I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out and I'm slowly waiting for others to notice. I want to do these horrible, disgusting things to others just so I can feel something other than complete indifference. My recent favourite is hurting men. I wouldn't say I hate men. I don't.
I think every woman internally works to gain a man's approval, including me. It's a man's world, as they say. But I'm pretty enough to get men, so why wouldn't I play to my advantage? My most cherished victim is still in the making, as I am slowly conditioning him to fall for me. The most I want out of a man is a friends with benefits situation, anything more makes me want to vomit. The thought of doing anything that involves more implied intimacy than a quick fuck makes me want to swallow glass. Their entitlement makes me want to strangle them, but their cruelty draws me in.
Moving on.
I began to see a psychologist about a month ago, although I find them utterly useless. I don't need an agent of awareness to tell me which words mean which feelings. It's idiotic.
She basically asked me about my childhood, I know, low-hanging fruit. I'm afraid of sharing anything personal, which I think she noticed because the last few times I went she made me do a 500-question paper. I was high while doing it so I could truly attempt to be my most honest self. I don't want a diagnosis, I feel like it would only act as a hurdle in my life. Next week I'm going back to see what she says.
Also, I'm a chronic liar and an identity thief. But the thing is, I believe all of my lies, so eventually I just become them.
I look at other people and wonder what normalcy must feel like. I acknowledge that they also have problems, but it's my life so I don't really care. I feel like an alien among people. I feel like they just know something is wrong with me.
This feeling confuses me since I have plenty of friends.
I don't feel like typing the rest out, since this has been the first time I have objectively typed out my life story and ripped my guts out for all of you readers to see.
Hopefully, you have some advice on how I can deal with this.