Is it possible to rebuild trust after repeated emotional cheating and confusion in a 4-year relationship?
I am sorry if this is too long and detailed, but I want you to get the whole picture.
We’ve been together for 4 years, married for 1.5. We lived in my country (he’s a foreigner), and recently moved to his country to restart a new life together.
Our beginning was very intense and loving we had a deep emotional connection. The sex was great, the bond felt strong, and even our wedding was one of the most magical moments of our lives, something people still talk about. I genuinely always saw him as someone with “green flags,” stable, loving, and safe. I never saw this coming.
Over time, we fell into a passive routine smoking weed most nights, watching shows, less emotional presence, and a big drop in intimacy and sex. He also started watching a lot of porn.
In the months before everything escalated, there were signs from him. He often said he missed us, missed doing things together, missed having fun, and he also expressed frustration about our lack of sex and emotional connection.
In the middle of all of this, his father passed away suddenly. It was a shock for him and the family. He cried during the first days, but very quickly afterward he went on a trip with his friends single guys mainly drinking, partying, and chasing girls. He had also told them he wasn’t very happy in the relationship, and they encouraged him to “have fun” and go along with a girl he met there. From my perspective, it felt like he didn’t really process the grief and was almost escaping it compared to the rest of his family.
Before that trip, there was already a separate situation a few weeks earlier with a woman from his work environment (no shared language, mostly attention and compliments). It lasted a few weeks and then stopped. With that girl, they did kiss. I also contacted her afterward; she apologized, said nothing further happened, that she regrets it, and that she appreciated the way I spoke to her.
On the trip, things escalated again. He met a girl there who was also going through something of an identity crisis, similar in emotional state to him. There was an intense emotional connection and long conversations that he later described almost like “emotional therapy,” talking about life, identity, feelings, etc. The situation became romantic and they kissed. They kept messaging for a few weeks after, but it eventually stopped.
After I found out about the girl from the trip, I contacted her not to blame her but I told her I was sorry if he used her for validation or emotional support.
When he came back from that trip, he was very different confident, detached and told me he didn’t love me anymore, that he wasn’t happy, that he wanted more sex, and that maybe we would be better with other people.
After that, and after a few conversations the same day, he started to come back from that mindset. I told him things like: marriage isn’t a honeymoon, life isn’t about chasing excitement, we are adults and we need to recognize patterns and work on what doesn’t function. He became emotional, cried, apologized, and said he was confused and overwhelmed. This was before I discovered the rest myself.
He admitted he was seeking validation: wanting to feel desired, attractive, and interesting. He also admitted that if there had been an opportunity to have sex with the girl from the trip, he would have done it, and he also admitted that in both situations (the colleague and the girl from the trip), if the possibility had fully happened, he would have gone through with it.
In all our conversations after these events, he repeatedly told me that I am the most important person in his life, the most mature person he can build a future with, and that he never doubted us. He also says these were “stupid mistakes,” that he was scared to admit them because he feared my reaction and losing me.
Since then, he has expressed deep shame, guilt, and remorse. He says he now understands he has been immature, insecure, validation seeking, and emotionally overwhelmed, and that when he gets depressed he struggles to understand or regulate what he is feeling. He is now going to therapy.
We also went to a couple of couples therapy sessions, and I am in therapy as well (I’ve always been in therapy on my side).
Despite everything, we are currently having more sex than we have had in a long time. Our dynamic is very strange right now: I feel like the angry, hurt wife, and he is very guilty, ashamed, and trying to repair things but there is still strong physical intimacy between us.
From my side, I’ve also struggled with depression, emotional disconnection, and heavy weed use, which contributed to the distance between us.
Now I feel very conflicted: I still feel love and attachment, but also anger, insecurity, and a deep loss of trust.
My question is: does a relationship realistically recover from this kind of pattern (secrecy, emotional cheating, validation seeking, emotional instability, loss of intimacy), when both partners are aware of it and in therapy or is this usually where it ends despite love?