A little bit of background me and my girlfriend grew up together we met when I was 12 and she was 10 turning 11 and as kids we used to play together every day basically we were inseparable but as the years went on and as we grew up her situation changed (out of respect for her I won’t put her personal info on here) she became very depressed and started to self harm (she’s 14 at this point and I’m 16 it’s relevant) I started to notice changes in her behavior but i chalked it up to menstrual girl stuff (I’m a stupid 16 year old at the time) so I never tried to peer any further but one day around summer time we were at a cookout at her guardians house (she’s in dcf) during the summer and I didn’t know where she was so I looked around the house and I walked into the bathroom without knocking cause the light was off (stupid of me I know) and she was changing and I seen all of her self harm marks all over her body and I didn’t know what to do I was standing there not knowing what to do so I did what felt right at the time I closed the door behind me and I tried to ask her why she’s doing what she’s doing (in hindsight this is probably the worst thing that you can do to a depressed person) I pressured her into telling me about her habit even though she clearly wasn’t ready or comfortable to do so and we sat there on the floor in complete silence for like 5 minutes then she started crying again and she told me that loved me and she was afraid of losing me as we grew older and out of pure stupidity and pity I kissed her and told her that I loved her too (I had/have love for this girl but not romantically or sexually I just cared about her dearly but I felt like if I had told her that she’d wind up killing herself) and after that we started dating from there and between me and my girlfriends relationship grew stronger and we developed a system where whenever we drunk anything from a can (energy drinks ,soda etc ) we’d compare how many can tabs we collected by the end of the month it was cute and it was something for her to look forward to and distract her so she doesn’t fall back into self harm and things were going well until around her 16th birthday she spent her birthday at my house (she doesn’t like being the center of attention so she doesn’t celebrate her birthday) we were watching having a movie marathon basically just watching whatever looked interesting on Netflix and talking about random stuff that came to mind and as we were doing that she kept inching closer towards me (we’ve cuddled and have been affectionate before so I’m not paying it any mind) and as this is happening she starts getting more and more silent to the point where I’m basically having a one sided conversation with myself (I’m lowkey a narcissist so I didn’t even notice that she wasn’t engaging in the conversation anymore) and out of nowhere she kisses me on the lips and I push her away from me cause I’m confused on what was going on cause we were talking (I was doing most of the talking) and she says to me “ take a good look at your surroundings, you’re in a dimly lit room with your girlfriend watching Netflix at 9pm while everyone’s asleep “ and that’s when it clicked in my head that she was trying to have sex with me so like a dumbass I kissed her back and she started getting handsy with me and I get handsy with her and the rest is history and as a side note I didn’t want to do it with her to begin with but at the time I didn’t like saying no to her so I let her do what she had to do out of pity on ANOTHER side note she’s 16 and I’m 17 my birthday hasn’t passed yet and where I live the age of consent is 16 years old so I didn’t do anything illegal to her but anyway flash forward to now when I’m freshly 19 years old me and her are still dating and doing good we’ve had our ups and downs but ever since the first time me and my girlfriend have had sex I have never initiated intimacy with her and when we do get intimate with one another she initiates it ( I am not gay or asexual or nothing like that I have a healthy libido for my age I’m just not sexually attracted or interested in her ) last week while we were walking home she asked me why I never check her out or try to make any advances towards her when she’s clearly trying to get me to do stuff to her and I told her that I’m trying to respect her bodily autonomy and she left it alone from there but deep down inside I know that I’m not sexually attracted to her and I only got with her out of pity/impulse (my feelings are real for her I genuinely grew to love her ) but I just don’t like her sexually and I want to let her know how I feel inside but I’m afraid that it’s going to ruin the whole relationship that was built on a lie
Am I insane?