u/FrostedMoon8888

Hey Marine, it's been about 7 months. Yeah, you are still missed. More though I am still sorry for the angry things I said in January out of pain. I doubt you will ever talk to me again. I am very sorry, I always will be. I will never truly know why you left in November. I could spend forever taking guesses. I don't know why I can't just hate you or not care anymore. I have just accepted I will never not care, not hope you are well. You just have a now I guess random woman 800 miles away who wishes you well everyday. If I could talk to you I would tell you my breast cancer scare came back negative but they are going to watch it. Things haven't been better without you honestly, but the world kinda sucks more everyday too anyway. I miss our connection, I did/do love you and I always will. I do think you loved me too. I know and understood more than you gave me credit for - honesty would have been better than ghosting me.

Maybe a woman with CPTSD and you and your things were doomed from the start. I don't know. I know it felt better than anything has in decades maybe forever for me. I know what I carry now is just my love to give, there was quite a lot of it with your name on it. I couldn't seem to loose that baggage. It's too heavy for me to carry around anymore so I transmuted it like an alchemist. It will take me years to do so. I got that dog and I am going to train him to be a Therapy dog and we will volunteer in hospitals and other places therapy dogs go. He's about 9 weeks old now, so its going to be a long little journey. This way I can take all that love and turn it into something. Something to help people like us or who have it harder.

I tried everything to just move on but there you were still in my heart and sometimes my dreams. Beautiful little everyday moments of dreams that cut deeper than any nightmare ever could - my mind truly hates me. Tried talking to other people, but my interest is just nowhere to be found. How do I replace someone as perfectly imperfect as you? Maybe, I was/am just stupid and you were just using me, maybe I was just the "diversion" the "toy" you called me early on. Maybe, it was just a game you play. But, you see you asked my to trust you and somehow my broken self managed to. You asked me to believe in you and my broken self managed to. You said you wanted to protect me, and be together and my broken self took the chance to actually believe. Maybe, I finally let myself love you more than I loved others and maybe I shouldn't have. But, also now I know I can - though not sure I will again because wooo fucker that hurt deep. But, maybe in time. I don't believe I am the right one for anyone anymore. It is what it is.

Know this though to your core, You are loved. You matter and always will. Please be doing well physically and mentally. A part of my heart will always be with you. Always.

It's been awhile since I sent something into the void to you Marine. I know its been months now, half a year or so. I am still sorry for my words that day. I understood more than I wanted to, and more than you knew or gave me credit for... it still cut me up. I doubt I will ever hear from you again, but I will always owe you an apology for those words carved from pain. Please know I didn't unfriend you or unfollow because I want ties severed, the hope everyday was just unbearably heavy for me. Even though it was very short lived, and maybe it was lies (I don't think so), the tragedy is you were one of 2 to ever make me feel loved even a little. I hope you are ok everyday. I hope things have gotten better for you, your days lighter and health better. I'd tell you my breast cancer scare came back negative. I still love you, but as my therapist explained it's just me it's my love. I don't really know what to do with it. Its heavy and I haven't been able to put it down or lose it or forget it so... I got that dog. I am going to train him to be a therapy dog and do volunteer work with him. Transmute it into something bright in this grim world. Sure I know it's a multi years project but it seems I have years to kill. I hope you're ok, I hope you're great. I doubt this will ever reach you sadly, but it still needs to be said somehow. Maybe, it reaches someone else who needs a message like this and even knowing it's not theirs it gives them some tiny spark of comfort. I get that sometimes from things people write, somehow it's comforting to know someone feels something you relate to or need so badly just to hear. Maybe, it's much for a woman with CPTSD to strive for. Just know there's a woman 800 miles away who still loves you and probably always will. You matter. And, those who are not the one I speak to, you matter too. They say one day at a time, but sometimes it's more like minute at a time. Be well, you do matter.

It's been awhile since I sent something into the void to you Marine. I know its been months now, half a year or so. I am still sorry for my words that day. I understood more than I wanted to, and more than you knew or gave me credit for... it still cut me up. I doubt I will ever hear from you again, but I will always owe you an apology for those words carved from pain. Please know I didn't unfriend you or unfollow because I want ties severed, the hope everyday was just unbearably heavy for me. Even though it was very short lived, and maybe it was lies (I don't think so), the tragedy is you were one of 2 to ever make me feel loved even a little. I hope you are ok everyday. I hope things have gotten better for you, your days lighter and health better. I'd tell you my breast cancer scare came back negative. I still love you, but as my therapist explained it's just me it's my love. I don't really know what to do with it. Its heavy and I haven't been able to put it down or lose it or forget it so... I got that dog. I am going to train him to be a therapy dog and do volunteer work with him. Transmute it into something bright in this grim world. Sure I know it's a multi years project but it seems I have years to kill. I hope you're ok, I hope you're great. I doubt this will ever reach you sadly, but it still needs to be said somehow. Maybe, it reaches someone else who needs a message like this and even knowing it's not theirs it gives them some tiny spark of comfort. I get that sometimes from things people write, somehow it's comforting to know someone feels something you relate to or need so badly just to hear. Maybe, it's much for a woman with CPTSD to strive for. Just know there's a woman 800 miles away who still loves you and probably always will. You matter. And, those who are not the one I speak to, you matter too. They say one day at a time, but sometimes it's more like minute at a time. Be well, you do matter.