u/FrostyPit5

Dinner: Burger with my friend who I have not told any of this to.

I (mid-20’sM) have been with my fiancé (mid-20’sF) for a few years now and she recently suggested we try ENM (ethical non-monogamy). We had dabbled in threesomes a few times before, and during our last attempt to have one, the third person wasn’t comfortable with it and only wanted her. She did not go for it, but she brought the concept up to me a few days later about having hookups separately and trying out an ENM relationship.

I was super uncomfortable with it but I was curious to try new things and I figured it could be fun. It would also give me a chance to explore my bisexuality, so I decided to give it a shot anyways. We decided to not get involved romantically and only look for FWB or hookups. We could still go on dates but no gf/bf. Immediately out the gate it caused a lot of fights between us because of my jealousy and insecurities. On top of that I was having a hard time finding hookups and she was having little to no trouble at all (she is drop-dead gorgeous). After one of the fights we stopped doing ENM for about a month.

She explained to me later that she didn’t think she was monogamous. She said that she would be monogamous for me for the rest of our lives, but non-monogamy is part of her identity. (I wish I knew earlier but we’re past that) (Also, it may not make sense to others but after our long conversation is made sense to me). She knows that it’s out of the norm and a huge ask, but she loves and trusts me so much that she decided to confide in me about it. After a lot of talks about boundaries, we decided to give it another go.

This time around I took a few weeks after she did to start getting myself out there because I was still on the fence. She met one guy who was in the same situation with his wife, and they hit it off and started going on dates more often. I am very jealous and really insecure about this guy. I almost confronted her but I decided to push it down and actually give ENM a try.

I started having a bit more luck (still not as much as her). I met a few people and had a few hookups, but was never really that excited about any of it and I still wasn’t having much fun with it. Then I met this really pretty and sweet girl. We went on a few dates without hooking up at all and really hit it off, she’s great company. She also almost always makes the drive to me instead of the other way around. We’ll call her New Girl or (N).

Just when everything was going great and I was enjoying ENM, we lost my fiancé’s income. She got laid off due to downsizing. We had to make a budget off of just my income, and we had already pre-paid/put deposits down on a lot of stuff for our upcoming wedding/honeymoon. This put a damper on everything because now we have to be careful with groceries and miscellaneous expenses till she can find a new job. It has also made dating more difficult for me and not for my fiancé.

She does not have to pay for anything when she goes out, she’ll be taken to dinner, drinks, activities, and never have to pull out her wallet. I do, however. Now she is stressing me out about money and putting a lot of pressure on me to figure out how I can take people out on inexpensive dates like hikes or picnics while she continues to have fun extravagant dates. This has also made me upset, as if it wasn’t hard enough for me already to find partners and have fun with ENM. Our experiences are not equal at all with ENM and she’s always found much more enjoyment with it than I have.

Back to N, she’s super sweet and even though she doesn’t know that we are struggling financially, she offers to split sometimes, I rarely take her up on it but find myself doing it more. We text a lot and she’s super attractive and I have a great time with her. But it’s making me uncomfortable because I feel like I’m catching feelings for her, and it was my idea in the first place to not have romantic relationships while we do ENM. It feels like cheating now. But also I don’t see many differences in my dynamic with N as my fiancé’s dynamic with the other guy. Which honestly makes me feel worse.

I am struggling financially and emotionally with my fiancé at the moment, with a wedding and honeymoon around the corner. Also, I’m catching feelings for my FWB who probably wants to stay FWB no matter what anyways. So that’s off the table. I really don’t know what to do because I don’t think ENM is for me. However, if I tell my fiancé that I want to be monogamous then she will agree, but will be unhappy for the rest of our lives because it’s part of who she is. I love my fiancé and I think I still want to get married to her, but I’m scared now about the future for us. I’m also her financial security, and I can’t cancel with wedding or honeymoon without incurring a huge loss and even bigger embarrassment to both our families.

I can’t choose ENM without constant insecurity and jealousy, and I can’t choose monogamy without feeling like my fiancé will be depressed for the rest of our relationship and possibly resent me (even though she has assured me she wouldn’t). And I can’t leave her because I love her and don’t want to lose her. And I definitely don’t want to put her in a terrible financial situation. It feels like my only option is to suffer quietly and push my feelings down. I’m so lost, sorry for rambling for this long. I was debating posting this for a while.

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