u/Frosty_Frogi

My boyfriend (23) and I (25F) have been together for around 3 years now and it's very much known that he has anger issues but he's only aggressive with video games and anything sports related. It's something that he's been working on and improving on but he still hits things and slams his phone on tables or breaks controllers. I've repeatedly told him to keep trying to work on his anger but it seems that this time it stuck a nerve.

He asked me to bring his controller somewhere to fix it this morning after he broke it last night over another video game loss and that was his last one but since my car has broken down recently I was out all day hunting for a new car. I didn't want to take the controller to get fixed regardless because I didn't want to feel like I was enabling his behavior but he put it in my bag before I realized anyway. We called around dinner time and I let him know I didn't get around to it and he sounded disappointed but fine, he said something along the line of unfortunately having to buy another one to which I stated "yeah, maybe you shouldn't keep breaking your controllers then." I've asked him time and time again to fix his anger but it seems his progress has slowed or just about stopped. After this statement he sounded more upset but said he was fine even though I knew he wasn't. We called again and this time he said apparently his mom was praising me for not fixing the controller to which I didn't say much but he was still acting super weird and pissed off. I asked him what's wrong and to talk about it and he just let me have it after that. He kept asking why I keep pointing out his flaws with anger when he knows it's a problem and then compared his anger to me crying when I'm upset and how I should control when I'm crying then. I tried to discuss things with him about how it's not the same and me crying isn't destructive, that I want to help him get better, and that I'm upset he broke the controller that I specifically told him not to break because my mom bought that for him. He just kept getting upset throughout the conversation and eventually he got to a point that he just started mimicking me out of anger to which I told him I will be hanging up. I hung up and messaged him that we should talk when we're both calm to not hurt each other or say anything mean by accident. He said he doesn't want to talk at all or see each other tonight anymore.

I have no idea what to do and if I should have just kept trying to talk it out when this happens again or to let it take its course till he figures it out. I know he keeps saying he improved his anger and has definitely improved from hitting himself, dangerous driving, or breaking a lot more stuff but I just don't think I see him trying anymore. It seems he's stuck in his bad habits, I want to be there for him but watching him scream at a screen and break shit when I'm less than 5 feet away gets to me. Am I overreacting, should I be giving him more space to figure it out? I'm at a loss. I feel like I should give him grace for his improvements like he keeps telling me but I just still feel like it's not okay and it's not enough if he's still breaking things. Should I have reacted differently?