Getting sober whilst struggling
Ive struggled with my mental health since I was 19/20. started smoking weed in my early 20’s and got into coke and MD probably 24, due to the industry I was working in, very drug heavy. I dont work in that industry anymore and I quit doing the hard drugs. except weed and tobacco. I’m 30 now and this is my second attempt trying to be completely sober this year and I just feel even more dead inside and nothing is helping.
first attempt of sobriety was in February for 2.5 months (75 days) and everything I was doing, the walks, gym, eating clean etc just wasnt improving my mood and I felt a shell of myself, not necessarily a mean person to be around but not a nice one either, just.. lights are on but no ones home. I seeked professional help for the 71535383524th time and of course, extensive NHS waiting list. to my surprise the mental health practitioner said: “theres quite a lot on your record of you coming in about your mental health, and after analysis said she wanted to refer me to get assessed for ADHD (great).
after this apt I decided.. nothings changing and im doing everything they said to do! so I started smoking weed again and the difference (as it always is) was night and day.. I was more social, actually wanting to be around people and just way nicer to be around with the people around me instead of being monotone/flat.
After I smoked what I had over those 3 weeks, I decided yet again I dont want to have to rely on this for the rest of my life, I dont actually enjoy smoking anymore but I enjoy what it does to my brain (for the most part) and for the past 8 days of being sober again, Ive been absolutely miserable, again.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. getting private therapy isnt an option for me right now and I just find myself at a loss, no real support system and I dont know how much more I can take.. writing this is my last resort. very tired of my brain. and life in general.
A life without drugs whatsoever is a life I’d love to have and live, though right now.. the drugs are the only thing that makes me want to stay alive. weird paradox.