u/Frustration_am

I [44M] have been with my boyfriend E [38M] for almost 5 years and I honestly don’t know if I’m being emotionally manipulated, if we are just deeply incompatible, or if I’m simply too damaged from previous relationships to think clearly anymore.

I’m a doctor and also sing in choir. I need to mention upfront that I have childhood trauma related to conflict and speaking up for myself. I learned very early in life to survive uncomfortable situations by staying quiet and adapting.

I also developed a huge fear after becoming a doctor: the fear that people love what I provide more than they love me.

Before E, I had a 5 year relationship that left me with a lot of emotional damage. My ex rejected intimacy almost the entire relationship (we went over 4 years without sex), never cared about my interests, and openly hated my choir activities. He would literally attend performances and then spend most of the concert outside “in the restroom.” It destroyed my confidence.

When I met E, I told him all of this very early because I genuinely wanted to build something healthier.

At first it looked promising. He made a shared playlist for our car rides so we could both listen to music we liked. That lasted maybe a week. Now apparently my taste in music is terrible and I can’t even comfortably listen to my own music in my own house.

One thing E constantly do is that he tries to “measure his position” in my life. The way he does this is by testing how much I will sacrifice for him.

Example:
If I’m running late to work, suddenly he wants cuddles right that second. If I have choir practice, he asks why I can’t skip it. He has asked me multiple times to quit choir entirely because he thinks it matters more to me than he does and I am volunteering. 

He does attend concerts and choir events, but mostly to criticize or mock them afterward.

At the end of last year I got really hooked on a video game. I’m not someone who games constantly or ignores life responsibilities. I’m more the type that every few years I’ll find one game I absolutely love, binge it hard for a while, finish it, then not care much again until another game catches me years later.

He started joking that the game was “destroying our relationship,” but underneath the jokes he genuinely wanted me to stop playing.

So I did.

I completely stopped for two months because I wanted proof that the game wasn’t actually the issue in our relationship.

Nothing changed.

The same tension, criticism, emotional distance, and stress were all still there. I eventually started playing again, but that whole situation really stayed with me because it made me realize how often I sacrifice pieces of myself trying to restore peace.

Financially, I’ve carried almost everything for years. Housing, food, utilities, vacations, surgery, daily life,  basically everything. He worked maybe 5 months total during our relationship. Every job seems to end with “I don’t need this job anyway”  kind of attitude. He had foot surgery and I paid for it. He renewed his hairstylist license, worked briefly, and now I’m his only client.

Now the intimacy issue.

Almost immediately after he moved in, I noticed something felt wrong. We had barely any intimacy despite being in the exciting early stage of a relationship. I tried to speak up about it because I promised myself after my ex that I wouldn’t stay silent anymore.

He dismissed it and said there was “too much happening” because we moved in quickly.

Over time, whenever I initiated intimacy, he would politely reject me and suggest scheduling it for another day. Then on the actual day we scheduled, I’d come home and realize he had already masturbated and clearly had no interest anymore.

That absolutely crushed me.

At one point I admitted to him that sometimes I cried while masturbating because I felt so unwanted. He laughed awkwardly and brushed it off.

Eventually we went an entire year without intimacy at all. He said the first it was depression, then antidepressants killing his libido.

Then last year he suggested opening the relationship because he wanted me to have more “top experience” and said he would never bottom for anyone anyway.

I agreed because honestly I was desperate to feel desired again and thought maybe it would help us reconnect.

The first guy we talked to only wanted my boyfriend and specifically excluded me because of racial preference. That triggered my rejection trauma so badly that I had a breakdown in the car. My boyfriend comforted me and we decided not to see him.

Eventually we started bringing other people into our bed.

And this is where something broke in me.

With these guests, suddenly my boyfriend had passion. Excitement. Energy. Desire. He wanted hookups often even daily if the opportunity arises. He was playful, enthusiastic, engaged, well everything that had been missing with me for years.

Meanwhile with me alone, intimacy stayed dead.

Later we stopped seeing others because of a cosmetic issue he was dealing with, so we haven’t had sex since then, but now that it’s fixed he’s actively looking for guests again while I honestly dread it now.

I’ve become deeply insecure. I hide my body when changing clothes. I avoid being naked around him. I started working out consistently because I felt so undesirable. Sometimes he wants to come to the gym too, but complains the entire time about anything: the exercises, the length of the workout, everything. He still does workout, but I have to deal with the attitude. I basically put headphones on and communicate with gestures just to survive the workout in peace.

He also gets irritated frequently in public. Loud people at restaurants. Someone making noise in a movie theater. Small things become huge stressors. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.

Ironically, he hates when I wear headphones at home because he says it “isolates us,” even if we aren’t in the same room. It feels like he expects instant emotional availability at all times.

The thing confusing me is that he’s also caring in many ways.

I have to eat strictly gluten free and he is EXTREMELY protective about cross contamination. He cooks for me almost every day and constantly experiments making gluten free versions of my favorite foods. He checks on me constantly and can actually be very sweet and attentive.

So I keep feeling guilty for wanting to leave.

The moment I realized things were probably doomed was after a fight about concert tickets. Money was tight at the time and he wanted tickets to a show. They weren’t outrageously expensive ($40 each) but we were struggling financially and I didn’t think it was responsible.

He pressured me until I bought them because I avoid conflict.

Later, trying to practice speaking up for myself, I texted him during choir rehearsal saying I didn’t appreciate being pressured into spending money while finances were tight.

The huge fight that followed wasn’t about the money.
It was about me expressing it over text.

We stopped talking for days until I apologized.

That was the moment I realized I no longer felt emotionally safe speaking honestly in my own relationship.

I think I may have to leave, but he has very little support system and nowhere to go. And that breaks my heart.

I genuinely believe he loves me in his own way.
But I also feel chronically stressed, emotionally rejected, controlled, and psychologically exhausted.

I don’t know if this relationship can be saved anymore or if I’m staying because I feel responsible for him.

Any one has an idea how to approach this situation?