I almost killed myself last night
It's a bit of a long story, but I had an abusive partner I was with for several years. I've been dealing with the trauma from that relationship, but things have been rocky at best. One of the managers at my workplace is someone that I feel very safe around and I ended up developing feelings for him. I hate myself for it, it's completely inappropriate, but it made me feel better to daydream so I kept doing it. I've been really trying to not be weird about it but I've been failing miserably and I think he noticed.
Yesterday we had a meeting and I ended up sitting next to him (it wasn't intentional, every other spot at the table was already taken), and I noticed he refused to sit at the table instead opting to sit several feet away from the table. When I asked if he had enough room and if he wanted to actually sit at the table he shook his head, clearly trying to play it off, but he had this look in his eyes that screamed "I'm uncomfortable."
This of course told me that he was not interested in me at all (which is completely fine, I never expected my daydreams to become reality and if they did I'd probably run away). More importantly, it told me that he noticed me being weird and feels uncomfortable around me now (he used to vent to me about things and seemed comfortable with me). I feel absolutely horrible for making him feel this way. I never ever wanted to make him feel uncomfortable, and on top of that it feels like one of my only safe places is being torn away from me because of my own actions.
I was diagnosed with BPD when I was younger which I'm not sure I believe, but I have noticed I've been extremely volatile and obsessive. I feel so guilty. I ended up self harming a TON over several hours. I've been practicing tying nooses with string. I almost did it last night out of pure guilt, shame, and despair. I need to move on. I just wish I could apologize to him without making things more awkward.