A bit lost in life
I don't know how to condense my experience into something someone will want to read.
I don't know what I want out of this. Well I guess I do. I want to feel something.. better. Some magical combination of words to send me down the right path or change my perspective.
I'm trying to be more content with where I'm at in life, reflect on the progress I've made, be grateful for what I have. To appreciate the people in my life.
But I'm struggling. I'm discontent. I'm lonely. I just exist. So many positive interactions are forced. Fake it till I make it.
I am approaching 40. But I spent much of my adult life just trying to feel good, being selfish, and not trying to be better or good for the people around me. I rarely was content, and didn't believe change was possible, I didn't think there was help or hope. So knowingly or unknowingly, sought quick fixes to my melancholy in whatever felt good fast. Over time I found that for me, there was only so much I could avoid my character flaws or bad habits. There's only so much mental that I could cover up with excesses. Eventually drinking, smoking, eating, infatuation, video games, or anything remotely mind numbing or mind consuming stopped helping, and I was still there with me.
The bottom fell out of my marriage 4 years or so ago. While we both have our flaws, I don't blame her anymore.
Over the last 18ish months I've turned much around. I'm seeking help, I believe change is possible. I no longer smoke or drink. I am honest with those in my life. I've made some amends for my past. I talk about things that are emotionally difficult. I go to support meetings. I go to counseling. I journal. I meditate. I exercise. Lexapro.
I see the progress I've made, especially if I reflect where I started and the things I avoided or ran from in the past.
Its been difficult. Lots of ups and downs. I really do have plenty I should be grateful for. I feel bad even writing this out.
But I'm still here with me. Without the vices. Without the drugs or bad habits, or lying to myself or others- The highs aren't as high and the lows aren't as low. But my baseline is... low. I feel so off kilter lately. I don't want to go back to the selfish old me. I don't want to cause anyone pain. I'm already lonely but it could definitely get worse, and the lows back in those old habits are eventually so so low.
I just want to feel better. To feel hopeful. To want to want. To see things from a new perspective. To connect with someone.
Everything is work and its hard.. I am trying. But maybe not hard enough. Or not in the right way. Or maybe that's just life. Maybe I need more meds. Maybe this is karma for who I was.
So if you have experience with anything I've shared and come out the other side a better person, I'd love to hear from you