2 years since we stopped seeing each other, im still very broken.
I new thie girl back in 2023, I dont know how else to describe her other than just down right beautiful. Her eyes, voice, demeanor and body where just amazing, she was the first girl to have ever shown interest in me. She said I was handsome, I was her sunshine she was my moonlight (its what we called eachother) she called me smart, she called me funny and she was my first kiss. It was good fun for about a year and half, then I did something I regret everyday. In September of 2024 I took 3gs of psychedelic mushrooms and had a very bad trip so bad that I wanted to force my self to sleep by taking 6 trazadone sleeping pills. This resulted in me getting something called serotonin syndrome which would lead to my eventual phycosis.
I was losing my mind for at least 2 months from the middle of September to the beginning of November. Obviously she hated this, she became scared of me, she didnt believe the things i was saying or trust me anymore. Our relationship ended when I finally got out of the mental hospital, feeling happy and healthy I text her trying to tell her I'll be happy to see her again. This was arrogant of me because she had moved on. Found someone else while I was losing my mind, I dont blame her what the hell was she supposed to do, we didn't see each other at all after my first hospital visit where I was really acting crazy, who would want to deal with that.
But now here I am, thinking I have moved on from her but everytime I think that I'm good, my mind just fucks it up. I had a dream about her last night, nothing crazy just me and her playing xbox and adding each other to play. I woke up all sad like usual then I made the mistake of opening Instagram. I was watching videos when I accidentally clicked on the send button and saw her pfp. I couldn't scroll by for some reason, I had to have a look at her.
She's as beautiful as ever, with some guy in her bio with a heart next to his name. I broke down crying, I never had this big of crying fit since September of 2024. I just miss her, I wish that were me in her bio. Maybe I'm thinking to much but I truly did love her, that dream of me playing xbox with her was what really set off my crying. I would do anything to play fortnite or Minecraft with her again.
Im a mess right now writing this but I dont know who else to talk to.
I feel alone.
I feel sad.
I just want back what I had.