I want to actually live life instead of just enduring it
I've been working on myself for 14 years now and I see myself clearly, the problem is that I'm not sure how to build a life that actually fits me specifically and lets me live instead of just surviving.
I learned to become strong very early, I built a self that could survive anything, and it has survived three life collapses now. The problem is that after the third one, I'm not interested in just surviving anymore, I want to actually live, but I don't see a way to do that that doesn't call for me to keep being strong and enduring.
Every day I still have to depend on myself to be responsible, every day I have to push myself to go to work, to save, plan, and assess what my options are.
Frankly I find life exhausting, I'm tired of chasing paths that lead nowhere, and I'm tired of swallowing the ideals of the standard life model that has never fit me. I don't want to be famous, rich, successful, have a big house, have a fancy car, etc., these things mean nothing to me. I just wanted to rest, heal, have support, and not have to keep holding up the sky.
The only thing I care about otherwise is my projects, namely my writing, especially my fiction writing at the moment. But it's very hard to find the time in a world that demands so much of me.
I did have a plan, I did have a path that I thought would lead to rest, but unfortunately the partner I'd picked for that wasn't ready or able to help me. Instead it ended up being a codependent relationship, and I ended up carrying both of us, but that's not the point of this post.
Has anyone else been here, no longer just wanting to survive or just endure, but actually live, while perhaps also not seeing a path forward? If so, what did you do? Any advice is welcome.