Trusting the only member of my family just to found out they were backstabbing me
This 'only member' is my aunt (that I treated as my sister), my step-father's cousin that stays in our home for around 6 years. She's just 3 years older than me. She also has a boyfriend and Idk how old is their relationship. She is the only person that I can speak freely, play with, and to trust. But today something happened that I got curious and it completely ruin my perspective of her.
What happened today was just a hot summer day and my aunt suggested that we should buy soft drinks to cool off. I call out to my younger brother to buy us some and then my mother came out of her room and said 'no' in an irritated voice. (I've really never been close to my mother lately. Whenever I share something with her, I just feel uncomfortable and vise versa. And when she gets mad, I also gets mad.) Unfortunately, I was on my period so I can get very moody. So I talked back at her that made her slapped my mouth. She was almost at the state of crying and I was still talking shit in a mumbling voice.
And in the evening, I was always curious on what my aunt and her boyfriend are talking about. I wonder if they talk about me, in fact, they did, but not in a good way. I log my aunt's account and searched up my name in their conversation while they're both asleep. The first message I saw is "Like insensitive as (my name)" and that made me tear up. I never knew that I was insensitive, considering I was always happy when I'm around them because I thought I found someone who I humored up with. And then I scroll down some more to see more unkind things I have done that my aunt observed and talked it to her boyfriend. Like I was lazy, always grumpy, spoiled, always on my gadgets, never helping with houseworks, crazy, cannot be disciplined, noisy, and etc.
I never understood that I got a bad perspective because I always let her borrow my new phone because hers is old. I also sometimes do the households and help with the cooking. But I also noticed that she and my mom has also been close, and I know that they're talking behind my back. (There's also a time when my mom said bad things about my aunt, saying that my mom only provided her a house and not the things involve with money. But I stood my ground. I defended my aunt. I didn't want hear more of my mother's saying because I already got uncomfortable that we're the only two speaking.)
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to trust. I don't know how to change myself. It's like I'm lonely again, feeling different from others. Everyone got their duo in this house, (my younger brother & our cousin that staying for the summer, and my mom & my aunt), my step-father died last year and today, I'm the only one. It's feels like I'm draining everyone here and thought to myself that I should run away because I don't think they also want me here. But I didn't know where to go. I also don't have many friends because I already know how plastics they are while I was in high school so I disconnected from them. I still have my 2 friends from when I was just a grade 7. I can't believe that we stayed until now. Although, I doubt that I can trust them because they might also stabbing me from the behind, but It doesn't matter because as long I have these 2 friends of mine, nothing else matters.
If someone find this, hello! Lol. Should I be lowkey nonchalant and challenge myself not to be moody and always shouting to my family? ><