I confessed to cheating from years ago and now my girlfriend is retaliating
Long story short — I cheated 5 years ago, I’m 24 now. I finally confessed because the guilt destroyed me. The cheating wasn’t a one time thing. the first time I was genuinely baited and heavily drugged and barely remember what happened (type of thing that could easily be argued non‑consensual if there were evidence), but after that night I freaked out, tried to hurt myself, and broke up with my then‑girlfriend instead of telling her.
The thought of coming clean was too much and I was too weak, and I didn’t tell her. Even after that(once we were broken up and I thought there was no chance of redemption with her) I continued to hook up with the other girl, truly unforgivable, evil actions on my behalf.
I was deeply insecure at the time, even though all I wanted was my girlfriend back, I let myself be weak and went back to that other girl again. Some mixture of despair and loneliness mixed with seeking sexual validation. Just being a piece of shit and thinking about myself and my feelings. That’s not an excuse and I truly feel nothing less then pure disgust of myself and deep hurt for what I did to her it makes me so fucking deeply sad thinking about what I must’ve made her think. I’m just trying to be brutally honest about why I did what I did and continued it after that night. This other girl was terrible I never liked her or wanted anything real with her, didn’t even care for the sex as far as my own physical feeling, honestly didn’t even find her very physically attractive especially not compared to my girlfriend who is the one I so badly wanted to want me and I feel sick thinking about what I did. For years after this even the thought of being so intimate with someone else would make me sick and I couldn’t believe I was capable of such evil. All I ever wanted was my girlfriend and I was so weak and desperate for validation that I let it continue. This girl just made me feel that type of want that I didn’t feel and like I was really attractive and wanted and could please. (This girl would sleep with basically anyone and I convinced myself all these things in my own head). I don’t know how I was so, so, so stupid.
Her response the night I confessed was to sleep with another guy and send me photos. Since then she’s been retaliating with messages telling me to cut myself while she watches, saying she hopes I kill myself, threatening to sleep with him again, saying she hopes I call the guy and it makes him want to come and fuck her again, or that if she sees him again she’s going to fuck him again. I know I deserve consequences for betraying her, and I accept that I hurt her deeply. I also understand I was the one who did it first when I was younger, and I’m deeply insecure about some things and it’s truly more than I can bear.
I can’t stop picturing her being fucked by someone else, it’s graphic and detailed in my head 24/7, and that torment is making things worse. I’m not asking for sympathy. I just want to know if it’s even possible to cope with this especially for someone like myself, it’s pushing me right on the verge of all that I can take and making me constantly think about suicide.
If you confessed to cheating years later,what happened afterwards? Did therelationship recover?
How long did it take, ifit did?
If your partner retaliated with revenge sex orabusive behavior, did that ever stop? Howdid you or they move past it?
For people who were cheated on and choseto stay: what helped you rebuild trust, andwhat red flags showed it wouldn’t work?
Things to know about me: I’ve been remorseful for years, I’m completely sober now. Nothing like this ever happened again in the years that followed and I regretted it the whole time . All I think about is regret and wishing so badly that it hurts that I could go back to the past and re do it with my girlfriend and never hurt her, just being strong enough to be honest about feelings and being able to say no to putting myself into those situations and doing evil things while thinking only about myself. I’m not looking for forgiveness or for anyone to justify or soften my actions, I ruined her life and I’m just asking if there’s anything real I can do at this point to help her. I’m looking for advice and stories. I feel beyond awful and want to know what the best thing I can do for her is. Thanks in advance for honest, real experiences.